Hurry! Oprah is on at 3

Are you feeling a little depressed?

Do you wish you had more friends?

Do you wish you had any friends?

Are you wondering why you keep having problems in your career?

Do you live too far away from your parents to be able to blame them for your problems?





I have a new solution for you. A new reason for the wreck that is your life. Lack of self-esteem. Finally the answer is upon us. It isn't your lack of interest in work. It isn't your abrasive personality. It isn't even your bad case of body odor. It is your tragically low self-esteem. If we can find the solution to that problem this morning we can save you. And isn't that why we are here really?

Let's start with prevention. How does this happen to people? Most likely it is because they believe that they know how life "should" be. Then they compare their trainwreck with the ideal and Mr. Depression shows up at the door.

So I believe the mathematical formula for low self-esteem and subsequent depression is:

Unrealistic Expectations+Comparisons/twinkies = Depression ----->Low Self Esteem

I am not sure how the twinkies got in there but I know they fit somewhere. So how do the Self-Esteem systems attempt to help? Let's take a look.

You are you and that is wonderful isn't it? You have to believe that. Even if you are reading this while sitting on the couch at 3 in the afternoon, still in your bathrobe because you just couldn't get up today. Evidence of a mass murder of twinkies is scattered on the couch and floor around you. You have discovered that dipping twinkies in Haigan Dais Double Chocolate Chunky produces a pleasing effect on the palate. In fact, the thought of that culinary collection of flavors is what got you out of bed and to the couch in the first place. That and the fact that Oprah was on in a few minutes. So you sit with laptop in what is left of your lap (think about that one) and peruse the internet wondering to yourself why you have such low self-esteem.

Number one in the blame game is your parents. If only Mommy would have breast fed me I wouldn't have had separation anxiety and the fear of loss I deal with now. What you of course don't admit is that your fear is of being separated from your twinkies and losing your haigan dais.

"If only Dad had said 'I love you' to me when I was growing up, then I wouldn't feel so rejected in life."

Oh good grief. Grow a set, Nancy boy. Nobodies Dad said I love you growing up. Stand in line.

You think I'll make it as a self-esteem counselor?

Number two in the blame game is bad luck.

"If only a few things broke my way once in a while, I would feel better about myself."
"I was going to a job interview for a job that was really going to make me happy and my only suit pants split right down the middle. I was so mortified I had to go home and have some haigan dais. I mean, how unlucky can a person be?"
"Bill Gates was the luckiest guy to ever make 56 billion dollars. Things just kept breaking his way."

Number three in the blame game is God.
"God hates me."
"God is mean to me." Or now the favorite of many.
"There is no God."

Funny enough, people remember God quick when they need stuff and they hope he knows they were just kiddin when they said all that other stuff before. I would imagine more prayers are uttered in a courtroom than in churches on Sunday.

"I know I said I don't believe in you but, could you get me out of these 64 parking tickets? I promise I'll change."

"Guilty on all charges"

"I knew you weren't there, see if I believe in YOU in again."

Number four in the blame game is yourself. Yes, some people do blame themselves for everything that is wrong. The problem is, they aren't willing to do anything about it.

"I know I am a twinkie and Rocky Chunky eating, Oprah watching, lazy no working bum."

I know I need to change. I am going to. But after tomorrow. Did you hear Oprah has Tom Cruise for a whole hour tomorrow? I just can't miss it."

"

So having blamed everybody and knowing what causes low self-esteem let's examine what can be done to boost it right down the tracks of life so you can reach the station of success, happiness, power, fame, riches, major movie roles opposite beautiful actresses who fall hopelessly for your debonair style and charisma but whom you reject because they bore you. That might be my all time record run on sentence!

What can yo do? First set a big goal in your life. I think you should start with the twinkies. I mean, what are those things made of anyways? Put down the twinkies and slowly back away. Decide on a big goal and then do everything in your life to make that goal happen.

"I really want to get back to wearing regular people clothes again, no more moo-moo's."

Whatever it is, you have to believe in it. It has to stir your soul. It has to shake you to your core. It has to make you ... hang on ... I wanted to see if Tom Cruise freaked out again on Oprah. Okay I'm back. Where was I? Oh yeah, it has to be something that you want and will do everything to get. Then go get it.

Remember always these two things:

1. What is great about right now? Things like, I have plenty of twinkies. My haigan dais supply is a little iffy but with proper rationing I should be fine. This kind of self-talk can help us to feel better about today and will lead you to feel better about you.

2. What do you have to feel thankful for? Well ... I don't sweat in the winter any more. Oprah has a pretty good guest list next week and no reruns. That should do it.

Remember that the truth is what you believe it to be.

"I am the wife of Bill Gates, he just bought me a house in the Hamptons for a little surprise. He looks a little goofy but hey, I can live with it. He has cash and is great to have around when my computer locks up." This truth would probably be best if A)Bill Gates was single and B) You were a woman. So think of something realistic. I hope what I have been able to do today is to boost your self-image and let you know that you can do whatever you want to in life if you just make it the most important thing you do. If not, then at least you have a good recipe for twinkies and Rocky Chunky Chocolate.