Did I Make Myself Clear?

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, the evil warlord Zenu of the Galactic Confederation piled millions of his people into spaceships and brought them across the galaxy on a one-way trip to Teegeeack (Earth). The 76 planets were overpopulated with upwards of 170 billion people each . Zenu was about to be deposed from power so he brought the extras to earth and stacked them around volcanoes. Apparently that didn't work like he hoped so he detonated hydrogen bombs by the volcanoes destroying all of the people. Their spirits floated up and watched a movie for 36 days where they were brainwashed. These spirits or "thetans" clustered around the survivors affecting their thoughts and actions as well. Only those who have taken the necessary steps can remove them.

So there you have it. The premise for a pretty good sci-fi novel. I wonder who is going to get that evil Zenu? What happens to those survivors? So you are not a fan of that genre? You are wondering what this has to do with self-help? This has everything to do with self-help. According to the scientology movement this is what happened 75 million years ago on earth ... Teegeeack ... er, let's just call it earth.

L. Ron Hubbard was a successful writer publishing terrific fiction that gave him notoriety and wealth. It wasn't enough though. Probably after a brush with high radiation or perhaps after a nasty headfirst fall down the steps he started believing in his own fiction.

He decided that psychology was all wrong. Their years of study, experience, scientific method and ingenuity were rubbish. He had unlocked the secret. The secret was that the real problems in our society are caused by the spirits of aliens who were blown up 75 million years ago as a population control measure by an evil galactic warlord. No wonder those idiot doctors didn't figure it out.

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So what kind of help does Dianetics and Scientology give to the ailing soul? One of the basics of their philosophy is that the mind consists of two parts, the "analytical mind" and the"reactive mind." The "reactive mind" is also referred to as the "unconscious mind" which is said to act as a record of shock, trauma, pain, and otherwise harmful memories. I would imagine it would record the horror and damage of your first Tom Cruise movie or perhaps a Barry Manilow concert. Experiences such as these, stored in the "reactive mind" are dubbed "engrams".

This is not to be confused with James Ingrams who headlined Revelation Funk in the 70's. Why don't we have groups with names like that any more? Revelation Funk! I like that.

Okay, back to engrams. Dianetics is a proposed method to erase these "engrams" in the "reactive mind" to achieve what is referred to in Scientology as a state of "Clear". This is where Scientology lost me. I achieved a clear mind through most of high school. Virtually nothing that my teachers or parents said seeped in. A "Clear" is one who is thought to no longer possess his reactive Mind. This would explain many of the followers of Scientology today. They no longer seem to possess any parts of their minds. I wonder if that is some higher level of awareness?

So lets take a look at some of our typical problems and the emgrams that cause them.

Lack of Sleep - This is caused by the 'FaceBook' Engram which forces you to search out obscure friends from second grade and challenge them to a movie quiz that keeps you up until 2 in the morning.

Lonely - This could be a combination of the 'Does Not Shower Enough' and the Need to Brush Your Teeth More' Engrams. You might also look into the 'Bad Haircut' and 'Momma's Boy' Engrams.

Poor - This issue is also contributed to by a variety of those pesky thetans hovering around and implanting you with bad news engrams. Most likely starting with the 'Dropped Out Of Highschool' Engram which almost always is coupled with the 'Working at McDonalds for the Rest of Your Natural Life' Engram. Another possible hindrance is the 'Owns Every Store Credit Card In Existence' Engram. Don't worry, it isn't you. It's the Engrams.

Lazy - This one is tough. This one is caused by the 'Parents Never Made Me Raise A Finger' Engram or it could possibly be the 'My Husband Just Took His Secretary On A Business Trip To Hawaii, See If I am Going To Clean House and Do Laundry While That Snake Goes With That Little No Good Husband Stealing, Hair Dyeing, Plastic Surgery on Her Nose, Tramp,' Engram.

Unhappy - This really depends on the gender. For a man this is caused by the 'Not Enough Time In The Week For Golf' Engram. While for a woman there is no Engram involved. Women are just simply never happy.

So find your Scientologist guru monk 8th level Zen Master Jedi General Priest Dude and ask them to help you. They can get you in the clear. Just look what this has done for countless celebrities in their lives!















If only we could pattern our lives after them. What a wonderful place this would be! So put down your self-help manuals, chuck your memberships to the gym, leave behind rational thought and grab your checkbooks. It is time flush out those bad Engrams and "Get Clear." And just remember, if we do somehow fail in ridding ourselves of these horrible floating thetans, at least we found something new to blame.