Men and Women are From Earth, There's No Oxygen on Those Other Planets

In honor of this most special of days (to women). I thought I would leave the area of the self-help section with which I am comfortable and enter the scary section. I really shouldn't refer to it as a section. It has its own aisle and in some cases its own store. Relationship self-help should be an oxymoron when you think about it. Shouldn't there be two involved in helping? Can I get a shout out from the sisters? ...nothing ... Okay maybe not. I have so far avoided this subject because:


1. I really know very little about it. In fact my wife looked at my title and scoffed that it would have helped me to write this if I had actually read the book one of the fourteen times she asked me to. What she doesn't know is that her secret ploy of replacing my magazines in the bathroom with that infernal tome did have the desired effect. I actually read the dang thing. (I know, I know, I was desperate! I mean, who can just sit there?) Reading the book though did nothing for my overall knowledge of relationships. Basically all I know is, she hasn't left yet and that is good.

2. My wife reads this blog. I have had to explain to several relatives and friends already that this is all in fun. You know, I am just kidding. Kind of, sort of, well some of the time. So making fun of relationships and her favorite book is a touchy subject. One which I of course saved for Valentines Day. Hmmmm, maybe a rose and a Hersheys bar won't cut it this year?

3. I am a man. Quite simply put I just don't like talking about this stuff. Before there is a relationship you go have fun. No expectations, no worries. "Did you have fun?" "Yeah" "Want to go out again some time?" "Sure" "Okay I'll call you." That's the extent of the relationship at that point to a guy. He goes home thinking about the girl, how nice she was, how pretty she was, the smell of her perfume still in his car, he thinks about which day he would like to go out again and then he opens his apartment door. His roommates have the game on. They are yelling at the refs who just blew the call. All that girl stuff is wiped completely from his memory. His roommates ask him during a timeout where he was. He says he can't remember. Then they ask him the most important question on everyone's minds. Did he bring any food back?

So having avoided this question for now obvious reasons I have decided to tackle it today. Speaking of Valentines day. Could there be any worse day of the year for men? Let's put a day on the calendar where men are expected to be romantic. Let's put it the same day as everybody else so they can fight for reservations to restaurants, plays, shows and tractor pulls. Maybe that last one wasn't such a good idea (sorry honey). Let's give the florists and jewelers and candy stores months of advanced notice to double and triple their prices so they can slash them, just in time for Valentine's Day. Great idea!

So on to relationships, (you thought I forgot). Back in 1992 Dr John Gray published a book suggesting men and women were from different planets. This was so obvious to people everywhere that nobody bought the book. Then a few relatives of his purchased it and gave it away as presents and word began to spread. This guy had really figured it out. The revolutionary concept discussed in the book is that men and women are different. They react different, they think different, they deal with stress differently, they have different needs. Men and women are different. So different in fact that they come from different spheres altogether.
In an effort to keep it fair Gray placed them on neighboring planets. You couldn't have women from Venus and men from Earth. Women would be pissed. "So they are normal and I am an alien from some other planet?" He could have had the women on Earth and the guys on Mars and it really wouldn't have affected things at all though. Men only read this stuff when women steal their bathroom reading material and they get desperate. At that point, Oprah magazine looks interesting.

So this revolutionary concept sweeps the world. The book becomes an international bestseller. Women everywhere are reading it and weeping over their ruined relationships. Women who are single and have never dated are reading it and are thinking that that nun thing doesn't sound so bad after all. Okay there is a little more in there than the fact that men and women are different. I did read it. I did! Why are you looking at me like that?

To illustrate the difference between men and women (Martians and Venetians, I kept thinking of cleaning the blinds every time he used that phrase), Gray introduces the point system. It is probably a good thing that most men don't read these books because I can tell you my reaction to the point system. I was angry. I had to retreat to my cave to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective. Okay no not really. I just couldn't believe that women thought that way. Of course I did have to keep in mind that this book was written by a guy so; what does he know? So what is the points system?

Men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. For men, they tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) whereas for women they give each act of love one point at a time.

Women totally understand that, for the men, I'll interpret. A man buys his wife a single rose at a floral shop because they were cheap and he wants to butter her up for that golf trip he and the buddies are planning in two months. The wife is pleased with the rose. He gets one point. A week later the man goes to the jeweler and buys her a set of diamond earrings. He presents them to her on the big night. You know, the night he asks about taking the golf trip. Now here is what will blow the guy away. She says no! Guess how many points you get for the earrings guys. 1 That is it. You bought her a 2 1/2 dollar rose that is already dead and got a point but now shell out several hundred for a couple of shiny rocks to brighten up her earlobes forever (or at least until she loses one in the register) and you get 1 stinking point for that. A point you probably lost by asking for the golf trip at the same time. There were two diamonds there, one for each ear. Shouldn't you at least get 2 points? That's not how women grade you. Now let me fill you in on a few secrets to up your points and get to the bonus level. If you had a candle while presenting, that would have been a point, a simple card, 1 point, wrap the little box, 1 point. If you had done this over dinner instead of in the bathroom you could have had another point. See how this works? You get equal points for the wrapping paper on the outside of the box as you do for the diamond earrings inside! Do you see how crazy this is? Doesn't anyone see how crazy this is? Does anybody hear me? So for the men reading out there. Do you understand now why we will never understand women? This is only one small part and it still baffles my mind.

So how does a man score? Not that way! A man scores in much larger blocks depending on the size of the gift given. Oh how nice, you got me a watch. I have been needing one of those. Thanks honey. 5 points. WOW, You got me a new 50 inch HDTV? Honey I have never loved you more! 100 points! Could you get me a drink while I hook this up? There are an extra 5 points in it for ya if bring me a sandwich with that drink. Thanks honey. Men will give points away in large blocks commensurate with the gift given.

So what problems arise because of these differing points systems? Do I really need to explain it? Or do you just want me to have some fun with it? The husband performs 4 hours of yardwork making their home look perfectly maintained on the outside. Then he comes inside and fixes several issues that have needed attention for the past several weeks. He turned down an invitation to go fishing with his buddies to stay at home and take care of his home and family. The man has scored himself a 20 for his sacrifice and hours of hard work. The woman gives him 1 for outside work, 1 fixing inside and 1 for sacrifice. So we have a 17 point deficiency gap here. This will become evident when the man plops down and starts watching a game in the afternoon. The wife asks him to go pick up daugher who is at her friends house. "Can't you go do it?" The man now thinks of his 20 points earned that day and figures that is plenty. "No," "But I am getting supper started." The woman thinks about his 3 points and figures he has had a nice day but she has earned at least as many points as him and still has supper to prepare. So he goes to get his daughter angry, thinking that even giving up a fishing trip with the guys wasn't enough for her.

Basically what we have here is a failure to communicate.



All of this over 17 points? So what can be done? I really don't know. If I had stayed and read that far my legs would have grown numb. I would assume there is something about communicating and talking and sharing feelings and blah blah blah. Personally the better solution is for the man to just go fishing. Then the only points you have to worry about it is if your catch is big enough to keep and if you caught more than your buddies. There could be a negative point balance when you get home, but light some candles, wrap something in paper and tell her you love her until you are ahead a few points. Then ask her to clean the fish!

The other big concept in Gray's book is the Cave and the Wave. This whole discussion of relationships is stressing me out. I need a few moments to relax. Be right back ... ... ... ... Okay I feel a little better now. Men react to stress by retreating or going "into a cave". That means they want space to think about their problem or don't want to think about it at all. Often I retreat into my cave to down a few ho-ho's or to watch a ballgame. This has become a very nice phrase for me since I learned about it. "Honey can you take out the garbage?" "Sorry, I'm in my cave right now. I really need some time here." "Okay, I'll take care of it." For all of you guys who haven't learned this phrase I highly recommend it. It will get you out of more stuff than a broken leg.

Women of course deal with stress the exact opposite. They ride the wave. They give love and nuturing until they feel that they have given all that they can and then they crash. When that happens they need to share their feelings with you to feel better so they can give and love again. What does that all mean? When a woman is miserable she hunts you down and wants to make you miserable too. By the way, she is not coming to you for a solution. She just wants you to share in her misery. Give her a solution and you make it worse. Women everywhere are nodding their heads. Women stop nodding, that banging noise you hear is your man's head slamming repeatedly into the wall. He might need some bandages and lots of time in his cave.

So what do we do with all of this? Are you asking me? Didn't you read the rest of this post? Do you think I have a clue? If you don't have a significant other be grateful. If you do, be grateful. And if you happen to know of a good restaurant with open reservations, candles and maybe a violin, after my wife reads this, I am going to need a few points.