The Dirty Little Secret

SSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Be very very quiet.


I am going to tell you a secret. In fact I am going to tell you about THE secret. You can't tell anybody else. They have to learn it for themselves. Chances are, they will discover it a few happy months before they die. Then they will hate you for not telling them sooner. That hate will of course negate the effects of the secret and their happiness will be crushed leading to misery and unhappiness. So its best to just keep it ... well ... you know ... a secret.

First some history, wait, you in the back, where are you going? Sit back down! In 1937, author Napolean Hill published his book Think and Grow Rich, which went on to become one of the best selling books of all time, selling over 60 million copies. In the beginning of the book, Napoleon Hill mentions a "secret" to success. It is never named directly for he says that discovering it on one's own is far more beneficial. Many people have argued over what the secret actually is, but there is a general conception that the secret he referred to is, in fact, the Law of Attraction.

Okay that is all, was that so bad? Where'd that guy in the back go? That's okay, he wasn't worthy. So what are the primary tenets of the Law of Attraction? Let's examine ... and make fun ...


1. Know what you want - This is a very important step in the Law of Attraction. How many of those rub-the-lamp jokes start with the guy (why is it always a guy?) not knowing what he wants? So get your three wishes lined up ahead of time. I want world peace. I want no more world hunger and I really want to win this contest.

2. Ask the universe for it - This one seems obvious enough until you get down to the mechanics of it. How does one go about asking the universe for something? How much of the universe do you implore for your wish? What if you just want an ice cream sundae? Should you really engage the cosmic powers of the entire universe for that? Or perhaps just Pluto and maybe one of the planets of Saturn? But the asking part is still perplexing.

Oh great universe, I really need to find my car keys.




THEY'RE IN YOUR TAN PANTS!









Thanks universe!

That begs the question, are there any things beyond the abilities of even the universe?

Universe, I really need help understanding what is going on inside my wife's head.

...............

Universe?

..............

Universe?

I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU.

Mysteriously universe stops answering your calls for the next two weeks and employs a new universe secretary to screen your messages.

3. Feel and behave as if the object of your desire is on its way - This one sounds suspiciously like Positive Mental Attitude. For my feelings on that see my post below.

So I need to picture my ice cream sundae on its way here from Pluto? I don't know about you but when I need ice cream, I generally don't want to wait several years for it to arrive. Then there is the question of re-entry. Could ice cream survive that? Another thought suddenly hits me as well, I forgot that I don't like nuts. Is it too late? Has my sundae already left? Do they have ice cream on Pluto? To help me concentrate I head down to DQ to get an ice cream sundae. As I eat the hot fudge I mull these cosmic thoughts over in my brain. I almost had it figured out when I hit the bottom of the dish and my inspiration leaves me. Oh well, back to Solitaire and minesweeper.

4. Be open to receiving it - This is the step for women. A man could not fathom going through the pain of steps 1-3 and then changing their mind and rejecting the object of their desire. For women, this is a daily ritual. "Now that it's here, I am not sure I want it" is the first sentence spoken by most every female on this planet. Even Apes have hand signals for it.

"Take that banana right back to where it came from gorilla boy"

"But you wanted it."

"You better respect! Or that banana won't be the only thing I'm throwing!"

So you have called down the powers of the universe on your behalf. In essence, you have altered the destiny of the planet for your own selfish desires. This fourth rule just asks if you will kindly NOT GIVE IT BACK! That is all.

So let's review, know what you want; ask the universe; (or at least leave a message with its secretary); feel as if the object is on its way; and be open to receiving it. This is the law of attraction. This is the secret. This is the reason rich people are rich and you aren't.

Isn' t this the most moronic thing you have ever heard of? I mean come on. Could any rational human being believe that if I ask the universe for something it would just magically show up outside my door (hang on the asteroid is here with my pizza. HEY, I SAID NO ONIONS). The law of attraction is a self-help system, thinly veiled as a believe-you-can succeed-if-you-just-think-you-can go-get-em rah rah rah positive-mental-attitude book all rolled up into one. (English teachers everywhere just fainted reading that last sentence) :)

Here comes the true secret. The people who succeed using the Secret are the same people who succeed using any system. They are very smart people who work their butts off to earn what they got. (Hold on, I think my flat screen TV just arrived from Venus.) The key to selling your self-help system is to get a few of these people to attend and then go out and do what they always do, make it big. Then you have what every system needs. Testimonials. They quote these big succesful people who tell you that they used the Secret and now they earn $45,324.12 per month and you can too results may vary and are not typical, this program and its network do not imply that you can or will earn anything by applying these principles. Actual work may be required, I repeat, actual work my be required.

So after learning the Law of Attraction and its Secret I thought I would impart a few other Secrets I have discovered over my years on this planet.

1. Nice, pretty girls don't date nice guys. In fact the worse you treat them, the more they will like you.
2. You must lick the sides of your ice cream cone. This is mostly for my kids who seem to think that licking from the top will keep the stuff on the sides from melting all over their hands and the car.
3. Whichever line you pick will be the slowest. If you switch to a faster line then that line will immediately become the slowest. This also applies to lanes on the freeway. This is a rule of the universe.
4. Your car will always break down after you take it in for preventative maintenance. This may be caused by your mechanic sticking a screwdriver though your alternator but it is probably just a law of the universe.
5. Every family has at least one weirdo. Most have many more. But as you read that last line you in fact thought of the one in your family. It is the one you try to keep the children away from on Memorial Day picnics. The reason why God sends a weirdo to each family is for conversation. Without them, what would we have to talk about?
6. Children do not keep you younger. I kept hearing this as my children got older. I thought, good, I don't want to get old before my time. This is a lie. Children wear you out. Dad, I need ten bucks for a field trip tomorrow. Dad, I need help studying for Biology. Dad, I am done babysitting, can you pick me up? Dad, I had to stay after school to work on my audition for next year''s band, can you pick me up. Dad, can I be in the play which means picking me up everyday after school for two months? Dad, I have a science project and need to make a mobile of the planets. Can you stop at the craft store? Oh by the way, somewhere in there I have a job. You might think those last lines were an exaggeration, they were the last three days.

The people who say children keep you younger either A)have no children. B) have 1 child) or C) have all their children out of the house.

I am sure I have missed out on many more secrets in life. Please feel free to add yours in the comments.

In the mean time, remember this secret, the universe is there, at your disposal, waiting to be called on. Believe it, accept it, know that it will change your life. I can give a testimonial to the power of the Milky Way.



It has changed my life.