Plastic Surgery - Funny, No Matter How You Slice It.

What is wrong with you? Those five words, (You went back and counted, didn't you?) could be the beginning of so many different conversations.

An argument - "What is wrong with you? You bought what on Ebay?"

A conversation after school - "What is wrong with you honey?" "Billy called me traintracks again. I hate my braces!"

It could even be in response to a statement - "You know, I really think the politicians have the good of the country in mind." "What is wrong with you?"


But the most common use of those five words are in regards to our well being. Doctors ask that question in some form millions of times a day throughout the world. For most people what ails them is an actual medical condition that needs actual medical care. Therapy, medication, rest, chicken soup or perhaps heat and cold compresses applied every three to four hours. That should do the trick and if not, you know the line, say it with me. "Take two aspirin and call me in the morning except it is now tylenol or ibuprofen."



But medicine has evolved as well as our needs. I don't know which came first. All I know is that somewhere along the line the idea was hatched to begin offering surgery to healthy patients. The only requirement was that they were ugly. Then that requirement changed, they didn't have to be ugly, they just had to have one ugly part. Then they changed the rules again, They no longer needed an ugly part, they just needed a hairy/not hairy enough, curvy/not curvy enough, wrinkled, stretched or scarred part. Pretty much anybody could qualify. Suddenly new "doctors" were popping up all over catering to rich people and asking those five words with a whole new meaning behind them. What is wrong with you?

"Well Doc, my nose is too big, small, wide, narrow, bumpy or broken." "No problem, we can fix that for you in a few hours and you don't even need to go to the hospital. Money? Don't worry about money, we finance!"

This kind of self-help branched out to new treatments. Your thighs are too big? Too bad we couldn't stick a vacuum cleaner in there and suck that fat out. And then there was liposuction! The vacuum cleaner of the stars! Don't worry about dieting, just come in and get that fat sucked off you.



"What's that? Your husband complains that you have no lips? He feels like he is kissing your skull? He told you that out loud? Get that man a book on sensitivity and for you we have ... Collagen!!!" This is reverse liposuction for the lips. They should have called it liposhotinyolips or something. I wonder where they get all of the excess stuff to put in people's lips? You don't think perhaps that they get it down the hall from the liposuction room do they?



So is plastic surgery bad? Well it depends on how poorly the plastic is doing. First I would try rest. Okay that wasn't good. Really though, do you want a surgery on your body parts that starts with the word plastic? Not me! Of course if I went in for evaluation the doctor would recommend other methods of enhancement like starvation and sandpaper so we'll never know.

Plastic surgery can help those who have been scarred by defect or injury but they are in a different class. We are talking today about those who elect to do it.

People like:


Michael (Mona Lisa) Jackson, This guy started off with a pretty good nose job and then couldn't stop. No one knows for sure but surgeons with strong stomachs who have looked closely estimate that he has had at least 30-40 nose jobs. He finally had to have cartilage from his ear attached to the inside of his nose to save it from decaying. He is probably the poster child for telling the plastic surgeons to 'beat it'. The problem is though that you start out trying to be a Mona Lisa and end up as:





Gollum!







This guy used to be one of my mom's favorites so we heard his music all the time. I knew the guy on the left. Didn't really keep up with him much when I got a little older but I still liked his older music and even introduced it to my kids. Then one night on TV this alien pops out on stage and they introduce him as Kenny Rogers. I was ticked, I thought our TV had gone on the fritz. I walked up to the screen and put my face up real close, then pulled it away and looked again. Nope, still looks like a rubber faced alien impostor. What was he thinking?




Jocelyn Wildenstein

I really don't know much about this woman. Is that a woman or a cat? Okay a woman. I don't really know much about this woman but all I can say is this. If I am sitting on the jury when she sues her plastic surgeon, she gets whatever she wants.






Gary Busey

This guy was never going to win a spot on the 50 most beautiful people list. But there was a point in his career that he didn't look like a cross between the scarecrow and Mr. Ed.









Speaking of Mr. Ed, maybe those veneers weren't such a good idea Hilary. Neeeeeeigh.







Donatella Versace

Then there is this one. She doesn't even look human. If Michael Jackson still qualified as male she could call him. They could date at night, in very dark restaurants in private rooms with staff that doesn't see very well. I hear Michael has his own movie theater there on his ranch, that would be good.





So as you can see above there are some things worse than a few wrinkles and a few sags here and there. There is something to be said for growing old gracefully. Remember, if Joan Rivers can do it.






So can you.