The Self Neglect Blog

Ralph Waldo Emerson, Jedi Knight

2010-10-19T18:06:00.008-05:00

Perhaps the father of the self-improvement movement is Ralph Waldo Emerson. He was a lecturer, essayist and poet but is perhaps best known for trumpeting the ideals of Transcendentalism, which in simple terms means we find our spiritual state, transcending the spiritual and empirical through an individual's intuition. Having read that last line somewhere around 60 times I finally believe I understand the concept. Unfortunately my method is contrary to the very idea of the intent of transcendentalism which was meant as a protest against the intellectualism or deep thought of the time. So in short, the idea is, don't think, don't try, just do. I believe I have heard that somewhere else before.

So now that I know Emerson was a fan of ancient Jedi training my view of him takes a dramatic turn for the better. I mean, everyone knows Yoda was one of the great thinkers of the universe and could really work a light saber too!

The teachings of Emerson include such gems as, "We live in succession, in division, in parts, in particles. Meantime within man is the soul of the whole; the wise silence; the universal beauty, to which every part and particle is equally related, the eternal ONE"

Great thinkers have been trying for years to fully comprehend this statement but luckily the true meaning was recorded for history here.

Emerson began his Jedi training as most Padawans do, his aunt Mary Moody volunteered to be his Master and moved in with the family to further his instruction in the ways of the force. Emerson emerged from his rigorous training enlightened in the ways of the universe. He later wrote, "A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us." This was clearly written after his first encounter with the dark side.

He also said, "A good indignation brings out all one's powers." This is very helpful to Jedi's learning the old Jedi mind trick.

Later he spoke these haunting words, "All diseases run into one, old age." Clearly this was a lament for the passing of the great Jedi Master.

Ralphie also said this, "As soon as there is life there is danger." I would imagine he was talking about this guy,

or maybe perhaps this ... whatever.

I know it's just a singer but it gives me the creeps.

So Ralph Waldo learns the ways of the force, fights the dark side most of his life and then follows the path of his hero Yoda and retires to a nice swamp around some pond where he lives out much of the remainder of his life. When he finally fades away like all good Jedi's we are left contemplating the eternal question. Just where is Waldo?

Denial Ain't A River In Egypt

2010-10-16T18:09:00.007-05:00

At long last I'm back, doing what I love (making fun of others) and I'm ready to enlighten the mind, stimulate the senses and tickle the ivories. (Okay, I don't play piano but I've always loved that line.) The subject I have picked upon my triumphant return to blogging is, denial. This is the first obstacle we must overcome to accomplish any self-help program. No matter the scheme, it all starts with denying denial.

Those in need of serious help can usually be seen cuddling with their favorite excuse. "I can quit whenever I want." "I'm not hurting anyone." and "I need this to get through the day." This leads to more serious stages of this deadly problem like, "Chocolate dipped, deep fried Twinkies aren't that bad for me." which leads to the worse case of all. "The Cubs aren't that bad this year, I mean, they got a shot, right?" Followed by thumb sucking in the fetal position. Don't worry folks, the problem can be cured. Well, at least all but the that last guy, he's a goner.

According to Freud's kid Anna, there are three types of denial.

Simple Denial - which means you deny the fact altogether. This is a skill bred through centuries until mastered today by a species often referred to as, politicians.

Minimization - Admit the fact but deny the seriousness of it. "I can't believe you're wearing the same dress as Jenny to the reception." "So what, it looks as good on me as it does her." " But, she's the bride."

Projection - Admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility. "It was the dog honey, honest." "The dog ran away 4 years ago."

The tendency to deny is natural, but sometimes it can be helpful.

Satire - Get Your Inner Child a cell phone

2009-03-18T06:29:00.013-05:00

I have been blessed in my life to be surrounded by women. After a divorce, my mother and two sisters lived for 6 years with me the only male in the house. My wife and I have 7 (not a typo) beautiful daughters, no sons. We tried to buy a male dog to help even out the odds, when we got it home we took a closer look at the puppy and you guessed it, he was a she. So I consider myself to be slightly more attuned to the sensitive side of life. I love chocolate and can even appreciate a good cry once in a while. (This may be attributed to being a Cub fan though) So using my highly development sense of self-awareness I thought we would would take a look at Self discovery today.

In the self-help profession they have created a little phrase for this. It always starts with "Getting in Touch ..." or as i refer to it GIT.

This implies that we human creatures lose communication with parts of ourselves at times. I can attest to this. Just last night I lost communication with my left arm, it went completely numb. I didn't have any books to help me so I developed my own system to get in touch with my arm again. First, I quit laying on it, second, apply a large amount of vigorous shaking.

Perhaps the most famous GIT need is to Get in Touch with our Inner Child. I am not quite sure what this means or how it is accomplished. Can you use a cell phone? Send a text? Does your Inner child have email? Maybe if your inner child was a little more technologically advanced we wouldn't lose touch so often. Another thought I had was, how much responsibility does you inner child have in this relationship? Shouldn't your inner child have to get in touch with you once in a while? Maybe the reason why so many people are unhappy in life is because our inner children simply don't have the time to get back to us. Sure they say they will call but it is always the same old story. You keep picking up the phone to see if it is working, You hit refresh on the email 40 times in a an hour. You leave messages on their voice mail, nothing. Now you really are depressed. If your own Inner Child doesn't have the time for you how pathetic is your life?

So I heard this Inner Child reach out was essential to my happiness in life so I thought, why not? My wife keeps telling me to quit acting like a child. This should be easy. So I think, who can I look to for contacting my inner child?

My first thought is this guy. He seems to be pretty good with kids. He knows how to build an interplanetary communication device out of a turntable and aluminum foil. This could be good. But then I find out he took the cash from his movie, skipped the planet and is sipping Mai-Tai's on the beaches of Betazed-9.

So then I think about this guy. I hear he is really good with children. If anyone can touch my inner child it could be him. (oops, had a few typos in that sentence, you know what I meant) The problem is, the guy was in surgery when I called and then I find out he has some kind of court order about him and children so there goes that plan out the window.

So then I start getting desperate, I figure I should turn to a guy with all of the answers. Well he isn't really a guy. I am not sure what he is but he is smart and amazingly agile for somebody that walks with a cane. I figure he could force it out of me. Somehow I get the little creature's cell number and he waxes all philosophical on me. Tells me there is no try, do or do not. Then I ask him about my inner child and he says I am too old to begin the training and hangs up. It is probably best, I can barely understand a word the guy says anyway.

So finally I settle on the best source for true knowledge. Abby.

Dear Abby: I am a middle aged guy, live in a house with 7 daughters, 1 wife and 1 female dog. Things can get crazy but for some dumb reason I keep thinking I am happy. I have been told that I can't be happy until I get in touch with my inner child. I have tried email, phone calls, text messages, nothing works. I am starting to worry about my inner child, maybe something happened to him. Do you have any suggestions? Signed Lost in Alaska (just in case my buddies read Dear Abby)

(I was so excited to get an answer a few weeks later)

Dear Lost in Alaska:

Try Facebook.

Get Rich, No Work Required!!

2009-03-10T07:22:00.010-05:00

If there is one thing in America we are good at, it is breeding suckers. According to P.T. Barnum, somewhere at the rate of one per minute. I have often wondered what it is about the American spirit that lends itself to believing that the guy with slicked back hair on an infomercial at 3 in the morning really does have the secret to my dreams. If you will just send him $99.95 (available in 3 easy payments) he will let you in on that secret that will help you join all of the other "success stories they flash across the screen. John and Gail Johnson made $23,431 their first month by applying our system and so can you! At three in the morning your eyes don't even see the tiny little print running on the bottom of the screen which states (these results are not typical, in fact they only happened twice and it was pretty much luck, you can't sue us for your 99 bucks after our system doesn't work because we put this in writing. Hahaha you are so stupid!)

So is it stupidity that causes us to go for these schemes? Sometimes. But not always, there is another far more powerful factor at play here, laziness. Get rich quick schemes appeal to the very nature of those who play lottery, go to Vegas and order Chinese Take-Out, they are hoping to get lucky that one time.

So let's take a look at some of the schemes that have followed us down through the years.

Stuffing envelopes - This work-at-home opportunity will free you from the arduous task of sitting in an office, going to meetings, working on a computer, taking phone calls or perhaps you work a trade. Imagine leaving that all behind, no more building things, fixing things, digging things, filling up what others are digging. Instead, you can stay at home, watch soap operas and stuff envelopes for a living. The good news is that if you become really proficient, you could eventually earn the minimum wage. I have always wondered, what company sends their mailers out to people's home to get stuffed? Wouldn't they worry about that important envelope going out with donut and pizza stains on it?

Real Estate Schemes - Yes they are still out there. This is the best market in years for making a fortune in real estate!!! Don't listen to the experts, your realtor, your banker, your attorney, your parents or Donald Trump. Listen to the guy who bought a 30 minute spot at 3 AM to sell you a $129.95 package on making a fortune in real estate in today's economy. When you call be sure to ask the guy why he is creating competition for himself all over the country by sharing his secrets. If this is such a great market; why isn't he out taking advantage of it? This is the same guy who used to sell blenders on QVC at 1 AM before "figuring out" the real estate thing.
(He still has some great deals left on blenders though)

Metal Detecters - This is an oldie but goodie. I still see the commercial of the guy at the beach who find some poor woman's wedding ring. They show him with this happy face because he struck it rich. No remorse at all for the poor gal who lost a ring that means far more than its value in diamonds and gold and who will now have to go down to Honest Vinny's Pawn Shop to buy it back.

Get rich on Ebay!!! - This is the latest greatest. You can make a fortune on Ebay selling products that you never own. I actually looked into this one. I buy stuff on Ebay all the time. I have even sold a few things on Ebay. Didn't seem too bad. Why not give it a try? Just find a few drop shippers and put up some auctions and people will bid like crazy. I will make a mint. Problem is, the shippers selling to Ebay sellers are scam artists. They sell the same crap to thousands of people for the same price. So when you drop down a hundred bucks to sell ipods from your special dealer pricing you get pages and pages of this:

Ipods at retail pricing that nobody buys!! The winner in this little scam? Ebay who makes auction fees from all of the get rich on Ebay believers. I wonder who runs those commericals?

In Egypt we have the great pyramids of Giza. Don't feel gipped in America, we have our pyramids here too. Here they are called Amway, (which became so "popular" they changed their name to Qixtar, In Greek Quixtar means, I want to tell you about Amway but don't want the door slammed in my face before I finish), Mary Kay, This is Amway in pink cars. Yourtravelbiz.com, this allowed anyone to become a travel agent by allowing people to check a website for flight and hotel availability. Novel concept huh? Sunrider is a great herbal supplement company that grew naturally into hotel management. The transition had to happen at some point. Pre-Paid Legal sounded like a neat concept, pre pay for legal services. Make Lawyers affordable! Except they don't do anything for business matters. They only do certian things once and let's just say that if a lawyers is accepting the pittance that pre-paid legal pays them, they probably got their law degree from China, where everything else is manufactured these days.

So I stay away from stuffing, I am not motivated by metaling, I have ejected Ebaying and Poo-pooed pyramids. I don't need to get rich with any of thoseobvious scams that only a sucker would fall for. The reason? I am about to help the widow of a rich head of state in Nigeria who recently died in a coup! Don't believe me? Here is the letter.

I am Mrs. Mariam Abacha, the widow of Sani Abacha the Late Nigerian Head of State. You were introduced to me through the Chamber of Commerce. I am presently in distress and under house arrest while my son Mohamed is undergoing trial in Lagos and Abuja. He is presently detained in prison custody. The government has frozen all the family account and auctioned all our properties. To save the family from total bankruptcy I managed to secretly code or bank the sum of US40,000,000.00. through the assistance of our family lawyer/attorney respectively. kept by my late husband. To avoid government from know about this fund/money my lawyer/attorney have advise me to seek for a foreigner through whom this money can be transferred out of the country (Nigeria) for safety because it is the asset left for my family and myself.

I want you to receive this money and pay it into your account for the family safely. I am offering you 30% for assisting mesecure this money fast before it is located by the NigerianGovernment Agents. Contact me immediately with my E-mail Address so that we can start the transferring of this fund into your designed bank account for safety.

Best regards.
Mrs. Mariam Abacha.

I've already quit my job and booked my vacation. I'll send a postcard from Jamaica when my cruise arrives!

Fixing Your Marriage: Start With a Hammer

2009-03-05T08:22:00.017-06:00

Having sold a little real estate in my life I know my way around a contract. These wonderful documents that dance through the heads of lawyers are meant to help both parties complete their terms in a satisfactory matter. There are of course the penalties for not doing so. If party A does not fix the furnace, replace the dishwasher and remove the green shag carpet from the walls (true story), party B is no longer obligated to purchase the property designated as 146 longitude, 1354 latitude, 1325 N State, Backwater, IL 61111, and all deposits and money shall be returned forthwith in a timely manner (30 days) in full. I have seen $300,000 contracts hinge on whether a $600 water heater will be replaced. That's it, we're walking!

These contracts were fairly successful in real estate up until the last few years (glad I got out) in making sure that all parties were happy and they were completed at a fairly good ratio. Let's say around 90%. In the business world though, that is a horrible percentage. Very risky. 10% fail? Yikes! So as I begin my self-help marriage talk let's take a look at how we're doing on the marriage contract. The marriage rate in 2005 was 7.5% meaning that7.5% of the people in our fair country got married that year. The divorce rate was 3.6%. That number was down from the previous year of 4.2%. So roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. This is a contract written over the waste basket.

I was at a wedding a few years ago where the mother of the bride told a group of us that this would be a nice first marriage for her daughter. I haven't checked back to see how the marriage has gone but I thought at the time about slipping the groom a note with one word. "RUN!"

So in the interest of civic duty I will take my vast expertise on the subject of marriage and impart this to America to save our floundering land from this horrendous downslide. Those who know me will attest to what a model husband I am, catering to my wife's every need, nurturing ( I had to use spell check on that one) our relationship, growing a bond between us that is strong enough to withstand the hurricanes of baseball and golf season which are quickly approaching. Just thought I would remind you honey. I know you are reading. By the way, could you clean my clubs? They could probably use a good scrubbing. Thanks babe. Okay where was I? Oh yeah, a strong bond, nurturing and all that other stuff. I am Mr. Sensitivity. I once watched 20 minutes of Anne of Green Gables without falling asleep just for her. (I believe I fell asleep after the 20 minutes, man that girl is annoying) So these are my credentials, this is the time, let's explore my top seven ways you can save a marriage without counseling, or any trips to the hospital for stitches.

1. Nurturing - This is an essential aspect of marriage. Many women might think that this means that a husband should listen to them and try to understand their needs. Men are not capable of this. The nurturing that I speak of occurs at the dinner table. Make sure your man has a good meal on the table. It is very hard to argue with your wife while chewing on a slice of pot roast and although you might have an angry retort to a snide remark it just might wait if there are mashed potatoes with a nice gravy beckoning. You might think this is sexist, it isn't, it's genetics.

2. Listen up - Okay men, the ballgame is on, it is the bottom of the 9th inning, 2 men are on 2nd and 3rd, 2 men are out. Your team's best hitter is at the plate and your team is down one. A hit wins the game, an out and they lose. You have invested 2 1/2 hours in this game to see this moment. This is inevitably the moment your wife walks in wanting to chat. Now I have been married long enough that I will explain the situation and ask for a 5 minute reprieve. If you aren't there yet you can try to multi-task.

"So, Judy says she wants the kids to come over at 7 which of course is after dinner like she always does. I am getting so tired of this with her I am thinking about not even doing our exchange night any more."

"Uh Huh"

"I mean on our night we always have them over before supper time and feed them so they can spend more time together. I don't mind because the kids have such a great time together but if she can't feed our kids once in a while too that just isn't fair."

"Uh huh"

"I think I might just tell her next time that I can't have HER kids over until later either and see how SHE likes it.

"Yeah that would be good."

"So what do you think?"

"About what?"

"You weren't even listening to me were you? That stupid game is more important than I am."

Here is where it goes bad. I could continue the dialogue but I don't need to. Nearly every married person here could do the rest for me. For those not married, I don't want to spoil your fun. So men, let me give you three little letters that will save your marriage, DVR. Hit the pause button, listen for a few minutes and watch your favorite hitter strikeout with your full attention.

3. Marriage is marriage, Dating is dating - There is nothing that spoils a marriage more than little digs like "you never treat me like you did when we were dating any more." "Why don't you bring me a rose like you use to?" "Why don't we go see a play like we did?" "Why don't we talk like we used to?" The load of those expectations can weigh a soul down. So I have two pieces of advice here. For those not married yet, don't set the bar so high, you'll only live to regret it later. Don't bring flowers and take her to that special restaurant that you know she will like but that you hate. Instead, take her to a burger joint, then out to an action movie and then back to the apartment to hang out and watch a game. If she still wants to talk to you again afterward, you have a winner.

For those who are married it is too late for that. So the next time you hear complaints about not doing what you did when you were dating just tell her that you have something planned. When she brings it up you tell her it is big but you are still planning it. This will give her something to look forward to for at least a few months and depending on how good you are maybe a half a year. Then when it comes time to deliver, fake a serious illness with possible amnesia.

4. Don't Fix it - You might think this will be about the honey-do list you receive on the weekend. Nope. This is a handy little piece of advice from my bathroom reading. As mentioned in a previous post I was force fed the Mars Venus planetary relationship module while sitting on my throne and although I remember pretty much nothing else from it this little piece of advice did sink in. When she comes to you in tears because her best friend is telling everyone that she is a two-faced, psychopathic, kleptomaniac with no clue about how to keep house or raise children. Your first inclination is to tell her what to do. "Well you just tell Susie that you don't steal stuff. That is ridiculous!" Your wife doesn't want that. She hasn't come to you for advice. She just wants you to listen and empathize. Look that last word up guys. So this is how you do it.

"I can't believe it, Suzie is spreading rumors about me to the whole neighborhood. I thought she was my friend."

"Wow, that is really hard to believe. I am sorry to hear that. Are you okay?"

"Yea, I just needed to tell somebody. Thanks honey."

See how easy that was? You didn't have to provide a solution, fix the problem and didn't get in trouble for anything. So google empathy and practice it with your friends. You'll get the hang of it.

"Man I just shot the worst round of my life. I couldn't hit my irons, I couldn't putt, I should just give up this stupid game."

"Man that is tough Bob, Are you okay?"

"What?"

Well come to think of it, don't practice on your friends.

5. Compromise - This is a key element to every successful marriage. A woman compromises most of her ideals just to marry a guy. That is unless they have a two week engagement. Generally a guy can hold it together for two weeks if you don't spend every day together but after that reality sets in and the girl will inevitably be disappointed. Surprisingly enough many girls go ahead and get married anyway so they have shown the ability to compromise. It is the guys who have a hard time with this concept. To a guy compromise is, instead of golfing every weekend he will mix in fishing once in a while. "What are you complaining about? You said you were tired of me golfing every weekend. Now I don't and you are still not satisfied." Men learn from an early age that compromisers get beaten up a lot. You know what Spike? We don't need to argue like this. Let's just talk about it like civilized human beings and... ow... ugh...your elbow is in my ear...I can't breath."

So chucking this method men learn quickly that life is a "get what you want when you want or get the crap kicked out of you" kind of place. They take that mind set into marriage and of course things don't work too well. To a man, compromise in marriage means she needs to change her mind and do it the way I want. So my advice? I don't know, I am a man. I don't want to get beaten up.

6. Present a united front or die in battle - I am convinced that we have the wrong people in charge of our military. Instead of codgy old men who haven't seen a battlefield in decades making decisions on strategy I think we should have kids do it. Kids are more skillful at conniving, manipulating, fighting and taking advantage of every situation than any old men could ever dream. I could picture it now. A smoky room, the map laid out on the table, the enemy positions noted, the friendly armies poised to strike. But where should they go? In walks 8 year old Tommy Johnson in a Sponge Bob Square Pants T-Shirt for the briefing.

Tommy speaks,

"Okay people, I just woke up from my nap and Mom says I can play for a little while but I got to be home by four." Someone in the control room sets a countdown marker to four.

"The way I see it is this. Start with a heavy artillery bombardment on the enemy positions located here, here and here. Then hit their lines with tanks right there where they are weakest, circle around and take out these two towers. Bring in the infantry behind the tanks and fan out to both sides for clean up work. You should have the city in a few hours. Anybody got a sucker?"

When parenting you know nothing strains a marriage like arguments over children and usually children employing divide and conquer strategies. So before any decisions are made, make sure you both agree or better yet just turn their tactics around and keep sending them back to the other parent until they drop it. "Can I go Dad?" "Ask your Mother." "She said to ask you." "Tell her I think she should decide. Go ask her." "Mom, he said to ask you" "Really, I thought for sure he would want a say. He is probably just being nice. Go back and tell him I don't mind if he decides and that he is sweet." "Gross Mom, just forget it." Somewhere Mom and Dad are smiling.

7. Don't let Money get you down - The number one cause of divorce is money. So how do you fix this? There are several options. 1. Have no kids, this will save you a ton of cash. Warning, no kids means you will spend a lot of time talking to each other. Many couples end up buying dogs, cats, horses, birds and fish to keep from having too much conversation left by the children void which costs lots of money therefore negating the cost savings of having no children. Having no children also negates the possiblity that one of them will strike it rich and take care of you some day. 2. Get multiple jobs. If he works 2 full time jobs and 1 part time job on the weekends and she works a full timer as well you should have enough money to survive and never see each other enough to argue. You can text each other notes to keep up on your lives or join Facebook to keep up. 3. Just realize that most people don't have enough money and get over it. John D. Rockefeller was once asked how much money is enough and he said, "Just a little bit more." If you are trying to keep up with the Jone's and can't do it, move and find lower end Jone's who make less than you do. This will make your life a lot easier although it may cause your new neighbors to move.

So I hope this has been helpful. It is about time this country got its act together and stayed together. It isn't so tough. My marriage is the perfect example. If a woman could stay married to me for 15 years, then any marriage can work.

Goals: The Root of All Evil

2009-03-02T07:04:00.012-06:00

Click the above image to enlarge.

March 1 came and went for many of us with a whimper. Yes, 2 months have already escaped us in this "new" year. Wasn't New Years Day last week? So with 2 months gone and only 10 left it is time to pull out those new years resolutions and see how I am doing.

Lose more weight - Do it later

Finish my novel - Well, this thing happened and I kinda had to ... Later

Get in shape - See Above

Be nicer to the dog - Oops, this is my old list. (We got rid of that dog)

Okay found my 2009 list, conveniently enough the first three items are unchanged, including the answers.

Improve my relationship with my wife - I will, right after this game is over.

Well that is the list for me. How did you do? Better than that? Worse? What list? (I like you)

Most people by now have chucked their lists, scrapped their goals and are back to living life just like they do the other 51 weeks of the year. The freaks are still going strong on their new sets of goals and loving every minute of it. So is there any harm in setting goals? No, other than the small fact that they will lead you down the road to pure evil.

You might think this is a stretch. Let me explain before you click away and I won't even ask you to put on your tinfoil hat and prepare your bodies for the takeover from the mind-snatchers from planet Zedxo. (How can you prepare? THEY ARE INVISIBLE!)

It starts off innocently. You set a goal for some small self-improvement in your life. Let's say your bad breath, (people have been talking you know) . As part of your goal you write down mid-range and short-range goals to accomplish the long-term goal (Don't smell like a landfill when you open your mouth).

Short term goals: go to store, buy new toothpaste, (that baking soda might save money but it ain't doing the trick,) buy floss (yes floss, some of the stink is from the pot roast you had two weeks ago rotting between your uppers incisors,) mouth wash.

Mid-Term goal, USE THE STUFF, (novel concept huh?) have rotting teeth removed (sadly the list above will be like putting perfume on poopie until you get that rotting hunk of decay out, use a dentist or tie a string to a door, whatever method sounds less excruciating.) Long Term goal, Nice fresh breath. There, wasn't that worth it? So what was evil about all of that? Hold on, I am getting there and it happens quickly from here.

Seeing the power of goals and the pleasant reaction of literally everybody to your new "lifestyle," you start sniffing around your life for other ways to improve. Before you know it your house is clean, your checkbook balanced, your car waxed, that area between your eyebrows is even plucked clean. People start to notice a real difference in you, (and secretly resent the heck out of you for it.) Your whole outlook is changing, you take your new approach to work and really start to make waves. You clean your desk, take on more work, innovate, motivate,energize, synnergize and a few promotions later you are running the place. This is where it starts going bad.

It isn't enough for you to get to the top. You now start expecting others to do what you did too. You send down helpful ideas to the masses (lackeys, grunts, slackers.) Worse yet you tell them that you were once right where they were and with a little hard work and goal setting they can get there too. You start writing your first book. All the titles you wanted are gone though, "Think and Grow Rich" "The Secret" "How To Become a Millionairre" "Greed Is Good" so you finally settle on, "The Power of Goals: From Grunt to Grand." You have a few squabbles with your publisher over edits so you buy the publishing company and fire him.

Now a published author (your book is 1,445,998th on the NY times best sellers list,) you feel you have a blank check to make your approach the law. The board, high-level, mid-level, low-level and bi-level (pschysophrenic) managers are called in and given the new edict from the CEO, who will now be referred to as potentate and who now speaks only of themself in the third person.

"Ms. Johnson, is that draft of the letter the way you wanted it?"

"Ms. Johnson thinks you can do better than that."

"Why are you speaking that way?"

"Ms. Johnson would like it if you would leave now."

Work in every level of the corporate machine halts as every member of the complex scrambles to create their goals for the quarter, create goals for the year, create goals for the next five years, for their career development, their personal development, their relationships at work, at home, with their pets. Goals become the buzzword. Every meeting the managers review their progress, raises are hinged on meeting those goals. The pressure rises. The tension mounts. People don't say hi to each other any more (unless that was a personal development goal.) At the end of the year the board meets to discuss the carnage. Ms. Johnson is staring out the window (the board is not allowed to make eye contact.)

"We have the results of our employee evaluations Ms. Johnson."

After a dramatic pause she speaks, "Ms. Johnson allows you to speak."

"Well, of our 6 divisions and our roughly 21,000 employees 1,000 of them have completed all of their goals." The board cringes. This could be a bloodbath.

"Some 14,000 have completed most of their goals and the remaining 6,000 have completed what we would term some of their goals or less than half." Everyone holds their breath. Not even the squeak of leather from the ample behinds of a nervous board member can be heard.

"Ms. Johnson is not pleased," she starts. "Ms. Johnson made it perfectly clear that goals would take our company and its employees to their dreams. Apparently our current employees do not want to dream. The only solution then is to find new employees. Ms. Johnson is merciful though, just fire the 6,000 for now."

So you see what has happened? A little fresh breath has lead to 6,000 innocent people losing their jobs. All in the name of goals.

Where does it stop? So put those goals away. Just say no. Leave them to the tyrants, the kings, the CEO's and the people who work for the Drivers License office. I hear Ms. Johnson is running for President and coming out with a second book, "Ms. Johnson knows Ms. Johnson can solve the problems of society." I am sure it will be a bestseller.

Zen: The Art of Napping

2009-02-27T06:20:00.010-06:00

Today our path of self discovery leads us on the road to Zen. You may not know much about Zen but you should. Get with it!

Zen asserts that all sentient beings have Buddha-nature. So basically at heart, we are all pony-tailed fat guys. I like that!

The aim of Zen is to discover your nature through meditation of daily experiences. While researching I found no ratio though of meditation to experiences. I mean, how many experiences does it require in order for you to stop and need meditation? This perhaps explains rush hour traffic. No lights, no stop signs, no reports of accidents and yet we are stopped and not moving. Maybe somewhere up ahead a driver has reached their experiences limit and has stopped in the middle of their lane to meditate on them.

"OOHHHHMMMMM Today has been a marvelous day, my shower felt refreshing, my toast didn't burn and the butter melted just like I like it. Even my cat came out of hiding to send me on my way. My commute seems to be doing fine. I wonder why people are honking at me? OOOOHHHHHMMMMMM"

"Hey buddy! What @#$%%$$# are you doing? Get out of the middle of the road!"

Clearly that guy needs to turn the eye inward.

The Flower Sermon

The origins of Zen can be related to a big misunderstanding. It is said that Gautama_Buddha gathered his disciples one day for a talk. The Buddha silently held up a flower and several of his disciples tried to interpret what this meant, though none of them were correct. One of the Buddha's disciples silently gazed at the flower and gained a special insight into the flower. He said "I know what you are trying to teach us! You want us to focus on the direct experience and not rely on the written word!" The Buddha said "Well no, I was just going to tell you guys to water the flowers but that is good. You run with that." And thus Zen was born.

So how can Zen help us today? Is it practical for us to use this ancient method to center our lives and enlighten our minds? Beats me. All I know is this meditation thing is a great excuse for taking naps. "Hey Joe, the boss wants to see us in 5 min... Joe are you sleeping?" "Of course not Chuck, I have begun a rigorous new Zen regime where I meditate every hour to help me find my center. It has really helped to refresh me. Got a tic tac?"

So wherever you are in life don't hesitate to stop what you are doing, slow down and find your inner fat guy.

Oscar Winners Self Help Style Revisited

2009-02-25T17:21:00.007-06:00

I had So Much Fun Yesterday I Thought I would Do Another Round Today. Here Are My Oscar Winning Best Picture Self Help Books, Part 2.

1987 The Last Emperor - Finding your Inner Sanctum; How To Cope With Losing It All. Also included on CD "Learning To Live On Less" and "The Rice and Beans Diet".

1986 Platoon - "The New Jungle Workout Guide: How To Lose 20 Pounds (And Possibly Friends) in 20 days.

1985 Out Of Africa - "The Woman's Guide To Men: How To Pick Men Who Insure You Remain Alone The Rest of Your Life."

1984 Amadeus - "Healing through Music: Finding Your Inner Mozart"

1983 Terms Of Endearment - "Parenting Your Adult Children: How To Hook Them Up With Mr. Right When They Keep Shopping At Mr. WrongMart"

1982 Ghandi - "The Starvation Diet: Losing Weight the Old Fashioned Way"

1981 Chariot Of Fire - "Life Is A Marathon: The Runner's Guide To Life"

1980 Ordinary People - "Coping With Crisis: The Do's and Don'ts Guide Of Coping With Tragedy In Our Lives"

1979 Kramer vs Kramer - "Who Left the Cap Off the Toothpaste? The Dummies Guide To Divorce"

1978 The Deer Hunter - "How To Get Over Depression" (You will need it if you watch this movie)

1977 Annie Hall - "The Daters Manual: Why Ugly,Balding, Goofy Looking People Can Date Pretty Girls Too."

1976 Rocky - "Winning Without Acting"

1975 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - "Dealing With Stress: Letting Go Of the Craziness Before You Lose Your Mind"

1974 The GodFatherII - "Closing the Deal 2: A Straight Shooters Guide to Winning"

1973 The Sting - "The Law of Attraction:Evidence That A Fool and His Money Are Soon Parted"

1972 The GodFather I - "Closing the Deal 1: How To Make Them An Offer They Can't Refuse"

1971 The French Connection - "Living a Chemically Free Life: How To Get High On Life Naturally"

1970 Patton - "Poems of Inspiration By An Ornery World War II General" Okay this one doesn't fit but wouldn't it be funny?

1969 Midnight Cowboy - "Dumb People Are People Too: The Book That Lets You Know It Is Okay To Be Be Stupid"

1968 Oliver - "The Seven Habits of Street Pickpockets"

Help the Oscars (Heaven knows they need it)

2009-02-24T06:53:00.009-06:00

In "celebration" of the event that really begins the new year for our country, indeed the world. I thought it fitting that I dedicate today's post to Oscar winner's of the past. This is such a special event. This gala of the stars where they can all come together to view each other's new work from the past year. "Oh look, Angelina had another lip injection, how big do you think those are gonna get?" "Wow, look at Gwynneth, that tummy tuck really turned out well for her. I wonder who she goes to?"

So now that the awards are given, (12 awards in 3 1/2 hours) the red carpet is rolled up, (hopefully with Joan Rivers inside) the parties are over and the dresses are returned to whatever freaks made them. Let's take a look at Oscar winners Self-Help style. I thought it would be fun to make up or use a current self-help book for each Best Picture winner of the past. Let's see how far I can go. Then you can help me in the comments.

2008 SlumDog Millionairre - This one was easy to me. How about "Think and Grow Rich"

2007 No Country For Old Men - "How To Win Friends and Influence Pchycopathic killers in Texas" A must for that summer trip to the panhandle state.

2006 The Departed - "The Richest Man in South Boston" A Wealth building guide although it may kill you in the end.

2005 Crash - "The Rich Cop, Poor Cop, Poor Car Jacker, Racial Sensitivity Guide"

2004 The Million Dollar Baby - "Setting Goals and Achieving Them, Volume Six Beating Up Women in a Ring"

2003 The Lord of The Rings, Return of The King - "Unlocking Your Personal Power, Be Willing to Give Your Right Arm (or at least finger) For Success"

2002 Chicago - "How Music Can Help a Bad Life (Or Script) Into a Good One"

2001 A Beautiful Mind - "Shutting Out the Voices of Negativity, How To Calculate A New Sanity"

2000 Gladiator - "Life isn't Fair, Sometimes You Have To Fight For What You Want."

1999 American Beauty - "Men Are From Mars, Women Will Shoot You Dead If You Fall In Love With Your Daughters Friend"

1998 Shakespeare In Love - "Looketh, Is That Chicken Soup I see Cooling In Yonder Window?"

1997 Titanic - "You Can Do It, You've Only Hit the Tip of the Iceberg."

1996 The English Patient - "How To Capture the Flame Inside You Without Getting Burned."

1995 Braveheart - "The Essential Law of Fearless Living:How To Make War In Skirts"

1994 Forrest Gump - "The Art of Keeping It Simple, Finding Your Bubba in The Jungle."

1993 Schindler's List - "Feal the Fear, and do it anyway."

1992 Unforgiven - "The Law of Attraction. In This Case the Law Attracts 5 Rounds To the Chest."

1991 The Silence of the Lambs - "Eating Healthy for a Better You. Great Recipes for Liver,Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti."

1990 Dances With Wolves - "Peyote and You, Unlocking the Spiritual Effects of This Misunderstood Herb. Caution:Illegal in some states."

1989 Driving Miss Daisy - "The Power of Thinking Younger Even If You Are An Old Cantankerous Ninny."

1988 Rain Man - "Getting Your Groove Back: How To Wear Kmart Clothes and Feel Good About It Because You Are An Excellent Driver"

The Road Less Damaged

2009-02-21T14:07:00.010-06:00

More than a decade ago I was given a book that would forever change my destiny. The Betty Crocker Cookbook. A little later that year I received another book that wasn't near as exciting, The Road Less Traveled. The person who gave it to me said it was a book about discipline and focus. I wondered why they were giving it to me? They also said some other stuff too but I wasn't really paying attention so I can't remember. The book promptly went in my to do pile along with changing batteries in the smoke detectors, fixing the garage door (still not done), writing in my journal (never started) and cleaning the basement (yeah right). Eventually that list started weighing on my conscience enough that I knew that I would have to check something off or not get any sleep the next few weeks. It was either that or my wife telling me no golf until I did something around here. So I looked at the list, made my choice and found myself reading the book. Keep in mind, a self-help book.

Scott Peck wrote the book in 1978 and included 4 areas of discipline that he defined.

Delaying gratification - He was listening to the Stones a lot when he wrote this part of his book. This theme was lifted from the song "You can't Always Get What You Want." I really don't know where this guy gets off telling America that they can't have what they want when they want it. Getting what we want right now is what America is all about. Who cares if we run up 60k on our Visa Gold, buy a house with nothing down that we can't afford for a payment that is half what we make in a month? Might as well throw in a Hummer. Why should we drive around in a wreck? Its not like it will all come crashing down or anything.

So this Peck tells America to wait before we buy what we want? What good will come of that? Just think if people who bought a home 2 or 3 years ago had waited until now to buy. It's not like there are any good deals out there right now. What's that? What do you mean I should watch the news more?

So then he goes way out there. He suggests that we should Accept Responsibility For Our Own Actions - The first thing I thought when I read that is that this guy would make it about two minutes in the corporate world. Let me explain. Pasted on the front of the real employee manual, (not the one that smiling lady from HR hands out in employee orientation) are the rules of surviving your job. That employee manual is not, cannot be written. If it were to be written the author would be removed from the premises by security and their effects mailed to them in a timely manner. Every person who survives the culture shock learns the contents of the manual though. Rule A is no ideas. Everyone is gathered, the problem is presented, the boss asks for solutions. First one to speak loses. You can always spot the new guy. Its like the new recruits in World War II. They come in so green. They don't know what they're doing and then you blink and they are gone. After a while you don't even say hi to them. You just don't want to get emotionally involved. You know their fate.

"I think I have a solution to that problem."

"DEAD MAN WALKING!"

Rule B is Make no mistakes. This is closely tied to rule A. If you have no ideas you are on the line for virtually nothing. If your assignment fails then it was somebody else's idea so it must of been their fault. If they expect you to show ingenuity and resourcefulness in making a bad idea work anyway then perhaps you need to brush up on the resume. They aren't paying you to pull off miracles are they?

Rule C is the final rule and the most important. At times Rules A and B will be impossible to follow. Every boss will demand that you come up with something to show that the space between your ears is not simply being used as a place to hold up your hair. And if you do give an idea to the boss you will definitely break rule B. In fact just giving an idea is a mistake. So what do you do next?

Rule C is to deny it. No don't lie. Just come up with a creative way to blame it on someone else. This is the number one pastime in corporate America. It is the reason most people have years of vacation days that they have never used. They are afraid of what will be their fault when they get back. I heard of a guy who took off a month and was arrested when he got back.

So it was a nice thought but now I understand why the book was titled the Road Less Traveled. That road can only be driven by those who own a company or by those without jobs.

So after drawing an X through number 2 I moved on to number 3. Dedication to Truth - Honest both in word and in deed. As I thought about this one I thought hey, piece of cake. How hard is it to tell the truth. As a matter of fact I am going to tell the truth today in every way if it kills me. I did fine until my wife asked me what I was thinking about when a song finished up on the radio. Truthful answer, french fries. Answer I gave when I realized that it was a song from our wedding video, "Our wedding video honey." Dang this truth thing stinks. Okay I have delayed starting number 1, crossed off 2 and failed at 3. Sometimes it is tough to tell the truth.

Maybe number 4 will give me hope.

Balancing and Bracketing - When I bussed tables I could get a dozen glasses on one tray and pile everything else on top with no problems. Then I would show off by holding it up with one hand on my way back to the bus area. Perfect balancing act. I am also pretty good at picking the tournament challenge when March madness rolls around so I figure this one I have covered. The problem is that Peck is talking about balancing between different challenges and finding a way to bracket the most important blah blah blah. Frankly, this is the part where I decided to balance out my need for sleep against my need for improvement and bracket a nap into the equation.

So basically what I got out of the book was the title. Take the Road Less traveled. Using this advice I got a good GPS device with traffic updates and arrive at work a good 10 minutes earlier than anyone else.

Thank you Scott Peck!

Plastic Surgery - Funny, No Matter How You Slice It.

2009-02-20T13:08:00.016-06:00

What is wrong with you? Those five words, (You went back and counted, didn't you?) could be the beginning of so many different conversations.

An argument - "What is wrong with you? You bought what on Ebay?"

A conversation after school - "What is wrong with you honey?" "Billy called me traintracks again. I hate my braces!"

It could even be in response to a statement - "You know, I really think the politicians have the good of the country in mind." "What is wrong with you?"

But the most common use of those five words are in regards to our well being. Doctors ask that question in some form millions of times a day throughout the world. For most people what ails them is an actual medical condition that needs actual medical care. Therapy, medication, rest, chicken soup or perhaps heat and cold compresses applied every three to four hours. That should do the trick and if not, you know the line, say it with me. "Take two aspirin and call me in the morning except it is now tylenol or ibuprofen."

But medicine has evolved as well as our needs. I don't know which came first. All I know is that somewhere along the line the idea was hatched to begin offering surgery to healthy patients. The only requirement was that they were ugly. Then that requirement changed, they didn't have to be ugly, they just had to have one ugly part. Then they changed the rules again, They no longer needed an ugly part, they just needed a hairy/not hairy enough, curvy/not curvy enough, wrinkled, stretched or scarred part. Pretty much anybody could qualify. Suddenly new "doctors" were popping up all over catering to rich people and asking those five words with a whole new meaning behind them. What is wrong with you?

"Well Doc, my nose is too big, small, wide, narrow, bumpy or broken." "No problem, we can fix that for you in a few hours and you don't even need to go to the hospital. Money? Don't worry about money, we finance!"

This kind of self-help branched out to new treatments. Your thighs are too big? Too bad we couldn't stick a vacuum cleaner in there and suck that fat out. And then there was liposuction! The vacuum cleaner of the stars! Don't worry about dieting, just come in and get that fat sucked off you.

"What's that? Your husband complains that you have no lips? He feels like he is kissing your skull? He told you that out loud? Get that man a book on sensitivity and for you we have ... Collagen!!!" This is reverse liposuction for the lips. They should have called it liposhotinyolips or something. I wonder where they get all of the excess stuff to put in people's lips? You don't think perhaps that they get it down the hall from the liposuction room do they?

So is plastic surgery bad? Well it depends on how poorly the plastic is doing. First I would try rest. Okay that wasn't good. Really though, do you want a surgery on your body parts that starts with the word plastic? Not me! Of course if I went in for evaluation the doctor would recommend other methods of enhancement like starvation and sandpaper so we'll never know.

Plastic surgery can help those who have been scarred by defect or injury but they are in a different class. We are talking today about those who elect to do it.

People like:

Michael (Mona Lisa) Jackson, This guy started off with a pretty good nose job and then couldn't stop. No one knows for sure but surgeons with strong stomachs who have looked closely estimate that he has had at least 30-40 nose jobs. He finally had to have cartilage from his ear attached to the inside of his nose to save it from decaying. He is probably the poster child for telling the plastic surgeons to 'beat it'. The problem is though that you start out trying to be a Mona Lisa and end up as:

Gollum!

This guy used to be one of my mom's favorites so we heard his music all the time. I knew the guy on the left. Didn't really keep up with him much when I got a little older but I still liked his older music and even introduced it to my kids. Then one night on TV this alien pops out on stage and they introduce him as Kenny Rogers. I was ticked, I thought our TV had gone on the fritz. I walked up to the screen and put my face up real close, then pulled it away and looked again. Nope, still looks like a rubber faced alien impostor. What was he thinking?

Jocelyn Wildenstein

I really don't know much about this woman. Is that a woman or a cat? Okay a woman. I don't really know much about this woman but all I can say is this. If I am sitting on the jury when she sues her plastic surgeon, she gets whatever she wants.

Gary Busey

This guy was never going to win a spot on the 50 most beautiful people list. But there was a point in his career that he didn't look like a cross between the scarecrow and Mr. Ed.

Speaking of Mr. Ed, maybe those veneers weren't such a good idea Hilary. Neeeeeeigh.

Donatella Versace

Then there is this one. She doesn't even look human. If Michael Jackson still qualified as male she could call him. They could date at night, in very dark restaurants in private rooms with staff that doesn't see very well. I hear Michael has his own movie theater there on his ranch, that would be good.

So as you can see above there are some things worse than a few wrinkles and a few sags here and there. There is something to be said for growing old gracefully. Remember, if Joan Rivers can do it.

So can you.

Did I Make Myself Clear?

2009-02-19T09:07:00.019-06:00

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, the evil warlord Zenu of the Galactic Confederation piled millions of his people into spaceships and brought them across the galaxy on a one-way trip to Teegeeack (Earth). The 76 planets were overpopulated with upwards of 170 billion people each . Zenu was about to be deposed from power so he brought the extras to earth and stacked them around volcanoes. Apparently that didn't work like he hoped so he detonated hydrogen bombs by the volcanoes destroying all of the people. Their spirits floated up and watched a movie for 36 days where they were brainwashed. These spirits or "thetans" clustered around the survivors affecting their thoughts and actions as well. Only those who have taken the necessary steps can remove them.

So there you have it. The premise for a pretty good sci-fi novel. I wonder who is going to get that evil Zenu? What happens to those survivors? So you are not a fan of that genre? You are wondering what this has to do with self-help? This has everything to do with self-help. According to the scientology movement this is what happened 75 million years ago on earth ... Teegeeack ... er, let's just call it earth.

L. Ron Hubbard was a successful writer publishing terrific fiction that gave him notoriety and wealth. It wasn't enough though. Probably after a brush with high radiation or perhaps after a nasty headfirst fall down the steps he started believing in his own fiction.

He decided that psychology was all wrong. Their years of study, experience, scientific method and ingenuity were rubbish. He had unlocked the secret. The secret was that the real problems in our society are caused by the spirits of aliens who were blown up 75 million years ago as a population control measure by an evil galactic warlord. No wonder those idiot doctors didn't figure it out.

Click to Listen

So what kind of help does Dianetics and Scientology give to the ailing soul? One of the basics of their philosophy is that the mind consists of two parts, the "analytical mind" and the"reactive mind." The "reactive mind" is also referred to as the "unconscious mind" which is said to act as a record of shock, trauma, pain, and otherwise harmful memories. I would imagine it would record the horror and damage of your first Tom Cruise movie or perhaps a Barry Manilow concert. Experiences such as these, stored in the "reactive mind" are dubbed "engrams".

This is not to be confused with James Ingrams who headlined Revelation Funk in the 70's. Why don't we have groups with names like that any more? Revelation Funk! I like that.

Okay, back to engrams. Dianetics is a proposed method to erase these "engrams" in the "reactive mind" to achieve what is referred to in Scientology as a state of "Clear". This is where Scientology lost me. I achieved a clear mind through most of high school. Virtually nothing that my teachers or parents said seeped in. A "Clear" is one who is thought to no longer possess his reactive Mind. This would explain many of the followers of Scientology today. They no longer seem to possess any parts of their minds. I wonder if that is some higher level of awareness?

So lets take a look at some of our typical problems and the emgrams that cause them.

Lack of Sleep - This is caused by the 'FaceBook' Engram which forces you to search out obscure friends from second grade and challenge them to a movie quiz that keeps you up until 2 in the morning.

Lonely - This could be a combination of the 'Does Not Shower Enough' and the Need to Brush Your Teeth More' Engrams. You might also look into the 'Bad Haircut' and 'Momma's Boy' Engrams.

Poor - This issue is also contributed to by a variety of those pesky thetans hovering around and implanting you with bad news engrams. Most likely starting with the 'Dropped Out Of Highschool' Engram which almost always is coupled with the 'Working at McDonalds for the Rest of Your Natural Life' Engram. Another possible hindrance is the 'Owns Every Store Credit Card In Existence' Engram. Don't worry, it isn't you. It's the Engrams.

Lazy - This one is tough. This one is caused by the 'Parents Never Made Me Raise A Finger' Engram or it could possibly be the 'My Husband Just Took His Secretary On A Business Trip To Hawaii, See If I am Going To Clean House and Do Laundry While That Snake Goes With That Little No Good Husband Stealing, Hair Dyeing, Plastic Surgery on Her Nose, Tramp,' Engram.

Unhappy - This really depends on the gender. For a man this is caused by the 'Not Enough Time In The Week For Golf' Engram. While for a woman there is no Engram involved. Women are just simply never happy.

So find your Scientologist guru monk 8th level Zen Master Jedi General Priest Dude and ask them to help you. They can get you in the clear. Just look what this has done for countless celebrities in their lives!

If only we could pattern our lives after them. What a wonderful place this would be! So put down your self-help manuals, chuck your memberships to the gym, leave behind rational thought and grab your checkbooks. It is time flush out those bad Engrams and "Get Clear." And just remember, if we do somehow fail in ridding ourselves of these horrible floating thetans, at least we found something new to blame.

Okay, Who Unlocked their Personal Power in here?

2009-02-18T09:36:00.008-06:00

Anthony Robbins

The name belongs on a line by itself. Self-help authors, trainers and publishers everywhere know him, emulate him, envy him and quite frankly are scared to death of him. He is the industry power broker. If Tony Robbins (Is it okay if I call you Tony?) invites you to guest lecture at one of his myriad seminars then you are a made man/woman. That immediately shoots past credentials like, graduated Harvard B.S. Magna Cum Laude, MBA Oxford, CMA (Congressional Medal of Honor) in a little hotspot in Afghanistan. The ultimate credential, being asked to step on the same stage as the master of self improvement himself. Of course nobody told you that the participants are really angry at you because they paid large coin to come see the Master and all they got the first day is you. No matter what you do to wow them you and they both know that you are Chubby Checker warming up for the Beatles. The crowd might love the Twist but who are we kidding here?

Anthony Robbins has been helping us help ourselves for 30 years now. He is an expert in health and energy, overcoming fears, persuasive communication, and enhancing relationships.

He is a larger than life character both figuratively and literally due to a tumor in his pituitary gland. Which caused him to continue to grow well beyond his normal growth years. This accounts for his enormous nostrils.
I mean, there are bears that have crawled up and hibernated comfortably inside those caves. If he grabs a tissue, run for it!

Robbins techniques include firewalking as a way to overcome fear. If that doesn't work it is at least great for removing callouses or warts. I have a former boss who did the walk of fire at the end of the seminar. He said it didn't hurt. If he indeed walked across coals and it didn't hurt then A) the seminar was so boring his senses were completely numb. B) That wasn't water in the pitchers on the tables or C) They were walking on NiColes's, three or four hotel staffers rounded up with the unhappy coincidence of having the wrong name at the wrong time.

Otherwise, common science says that when you combine hot coals with human flesh you get pain, wounds and horrible scarring.

So where did Tony get his ideas? According to court proceedings, from people who weren't too happy about it. In 1998 Wade Cook was given $650,000 worth of Tony's personal power due to Tony stealing his ideas. The FTC made Tony cough up another $200k for misrepresenting the potential power of the earnings of his speaking franchises. Oops.

So how well do his programs work? The key to Tony's programs is to make you first feel discontented with your life. Then he can pick up the broken pieces and put it back together again and -SNAP- look how great he is! So you may ask the question, what if I am happy and successful before listening to Mr. Robbins? Well no worries. He will quickly convince you of the true wreck that is your life. He will teach you what a loser you are. Now you might think he has a nefarious reason for doing so. To the contrary, he is only doing it for your own good! You see, until you have been broken down you cannot use his methods for getting back to the happy person you were before you entered his program. Don't worry what that program will cost you. When it comes to your happiness and your success; is there any amount you would not spend?

Tony knew so much about personal success that he then branched into foods and health. Breathe! Right now everyone! Breathe! Good! Now do it again! You are getting the hang of it. Now take deep breaths for several minutes. Careful! Don't hyperventilate! Somebody get a paper bag! Okay stop breathing! Well, don't stop breathing, I mean, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

The answer to your bad health is deeeeeep breathing. It will activate the lymphatic system. he likens the lymphatic system to the sewerage system of the body. Sounds interesting. Might be useful, although I don't know how active I want that part of my body to be. The problem with the theory though is, it is a load of crap. (pardon the pun) There is no science to back it up. Any benefit of deep breathing is temporary and goes away immediately when the heavy inhaler begins to breathe normally.

Tony even enters tin-foil hat country when he suggests in seminars that the Electromagnetic field from a cell phone can weaken an arm. This suggestion was given of course to sell a device used to lower EMF waves. I wonder if he has something to ward off alien abductions too?

Tony has written several successful books for those suffering health issues like "Awaken the Giant Within" which is a Self-Help guide for sufferers of constipation, "Unlimited Power" which is a great book for those suffering from gas problems, and finally "Get the Edge" a binge eaters guide to Los Angeles Buffet Specials.

How good is Tony? Just ask the people we always turn to for expertise and knowledge, celebrities. Fran Tarkenton, Anthony Hopkins, Quincy Jones, Quincy Jones, Princess Diana and even a deep thinkers like Pamela Anderson and Mike Tyson have all increased their personal power using Tony's proven methods. Even Bill Clinton called him down to Camp David for a pow wow in 1994 shortly before he found an intern who would listen to his troubles.

Tony's driving need to tell people what to do has also led him to teach people about relationships. He can teach you about how to live in a perfect marriage. How to give and receive with your partner. How to make them happy and how to seek happiness from them for yourself. His techniques have worked for thousands of people the world over. Why wouldn't they work? They come from the expert on human relationships himself, Tony Robbins.

Tony Robbins, Wife Becky Split

Oops, I guess his ex-wife Becky didn't buy the book. That had to be it. Or maybe it was the fact that Tony had hooked up with a little blonde 24 years younger than her in Hawaii for the past six months. Which self-help category does that fall under?

UP Horoscope

2009-02-17T11:53:00.005-06:00

I know this is up a little late. I have to apologize. My mother's tooth needed a little improvement due to self-neglect. (It was yanked) (Thanks Ted)

As I mentioned yesterday, we will be looking today at the mystical compass otherwise known as the horoscope. You might think that this phenomenon is a late development. I say to you, nay. People having been picking up the NY Times since the late 2nd or early 1st century B.C. to read their horoscopes.

"Julius, I think there might be a plot by the senators to kill you."

"Let's see what my horoscope says. 'It is a good day to take a risk. Keep your enemies close but your friend's closer.' See, I have nothing to worry about. Call Brutus, as long as he is there, I'll be fine."

Horoscopes will look different depending on the region in which they are given. This is due to the difference of the sky in which they are read. So a Taurus in Russia could see, "Take a break from your job at the factory. Find a comrade and enjoy a bottle of vodka together." Curious enough that same day a person with the same sign in France could read, "Watch out for trouble today. At the first sign of conflict, retreat!"

A Sagittarius in Switzerland could see, "Watch out for trouble from every direction. Knife your way through it as best you can by staying neutral." The same sign in Canada could read, "Don't worry about turning in early today, the cold will only get worse. Somehow find a way to blame America for it."

Even from state to state the sky can dictate a different meaning depending on where you reside.

A Capricorn in Nebraska could see, "Stare out the window at the flat nothingness and reflect on the emptiness of life. What else is there to do?"

That same Capricorn would have this to look forward to in New York that day, "Don't worry about what others are thinking. If they get in your way, they asked for it."

In Tennessee a Libra might find, "You will meet that special someone you have been searching for your whole life, at the family barbecue."

Another Libra in California that day though sees this, "Don't worry about anything man, just hang out and enjoy life and ... what was I saying?"

So when you open up that paper and turn to the horoscope page just remember. It all depends on the shape of the horizon in the place where you live. Either that or it is all made up crap that could apply to pretty much anybody any day. The answer, is in the stars.

A Short Message From Our Host

2009-02-16T17:57:00.003-06:00

Today is the two week anniversary of this blog and I must say I am very pleased. Traffic has increased every week as word has spread. I have received great feedback from many of you as well.

I would like to ask you one quick favor. Tell your friends. My goal is to get 1,000 people a day viewing this page. We have had a few days with a hundred so not too bad in the first few weeks. Now get out there and send this link http://selfneglect.blogspot.com/ to everyone you know with a half a brain and tell them to come join the fun. Please comment if you have any suggestions that you think will help to get the word out. Thanks and now back to the fun.

Hey Yoda! Seen my Taurus?

2009-02-16T01:27:00.009-06:00

We are a people of worries today.

The economy, your job, your home value dipping lower than the neckline of a Madonna top. Even before our current crisis it was the same. How am I going to pay for my education? (Ten years after receiving it) For the girls, should it be soccer or volleyball or ballet or all of them? For the boys, soccer or baseball or ballet or wait, ballet? Okay whatever. Other important questions had to be answered as well. Republican or Democrat or Independent or Libertarian or Green Party or Nazi Socialist Skinheads? (Honey, did you wash my swastika?) As you age you face similar issues that must have answers. When to retire? Botox or no Botox? These things cannot be taken lightly. So where do we turn for guidance in this time of distress? Where can the journey of self discovery lead us today to find the answers to important questions like, Dish or DirecTV or perhaps even Cable? So where do many turn for these answers? God? Their parents? Friends? Their Spouse? No these solutions seem plausible and may produce some type of meaningful result. No, they turn to the stars.

I will admit that the stars were handy for navigators on ships to track their progress across the open water. Pretty heady stuff there. That was before the days of GPS though. Today even Bud and Billy Joe use GPS to get back to their favorite 'fishin' spot because they were to drunk to remember it the last time (yesterday) they came that way. Can you imagine if they still used the stars?

"Hey Bud, I think we are lost. Is that the Big Dipper?"

"Heck if I know Billy Joe, I'm still trying to find the moon. Have another beer."

The number of Americans who navigate their lives through the stars or at least believe in the stuff is alarming. Next time you are standing in line at McDonalds waiting for your nuggets (I can't eat their soyburgers), find 6 people standing line. 2 of those people believe in astrology. I keep wondering why those guys from Nigeria continue to send those scam emails out to everyone? I figured everyone knew by now. Now I am beginning to wonder if 1 in 3 actually believe that their long lost relative was shot in a government coup and left them 10 million if they will just give out their bank account info to a total stranger.

So how does this astrology thing work? It depends on which one, Babylonian astrology,Persian Astrology, Chinese astrology, Egyptian astrology, Hellenistic astrology, Indian astrology, Islamic astrology, Sidereal astrology and Western astrology.

Let's take a look at each.

Just kidding. I think Western astrology will provide plenty of material for us for now. The zodiac is the belt or band of constellations through which the Sun, Moon, and planets move on their journey across the sky. Astrologers noted these constellations and so attached a particular significance to them. Over time they developed the system of twelve signs of the zodiac, based on twelve of the constellations they considered to be particularly important. Are you following so far? If so I am beginning to worry about you already. Here are the signs:

Aries - "I am" Freedom-loving, assertive, straightforward, passionate, powerful. Basically these are the jerks that you know. If you are an Aries you are passionately thinking about a powerful slap upside my head right now. Admit it!

Taurus - "I have" Thorough, devoted, kind. These people are not very bright and mostly work at Ford.

Gemini - "I think" Logical, inquisitive, multi-tasking, duality, mercurial. These people are bi-polar and comprise most of those who are locked up in padded rooms. They are curious about the room though and look it over thoroughly.

Cancer - "I feel" Protective, sensitive, watery, emotional. These are the hypochondriacs. They are very touchy about that subject though so don't bring it up or they will cry.

Leo - "I will" Generous, proud, loves attention, dramatic, egotistic, snobbish. This is Oprah. She has bought exclusive rights to her sign and kicked everyone else out.

Virgo - "I analyze" Practical, health conscious, flexible, fussy, over-critical. These are fitness instructors. In fact many have changed their name to Virgo.

Libra - "I balance" Needs partnerships, debative, lazy, indecisive. These are bosses. They are put in place directly above you to test your ability to cope with inferior skill and intelligence. If you somehow pass that test, ever increasing levels of incompetence await you on your path to the boardroom.

Scorpio - "I desire" Secretive, magnetic, deceitful, arrogant. This is your fourth grade teacher. The one you heard was locked in prison mysteriously although you never heard the reason. He is out now but must register anytime he moves to a new neighborhood.

Sagittarius - "I perceive" Freedom loving, philosophical, fun-loving, scattered, careless. This is that guy you know who never left the 60's behind. He is sure that the war is all a scheme by the corporate structure to make money. He has quit his job, smokes dope and wishes to go to San Francisco. The problem is, he is 63.

Capricorn - "I use" Patient, methodical, over-cautious, pessimistic. These are the boring people. They take too long to make decisions and then feel terrible about the decisions they made. They are also heavy drug users.

Aquarius - "I know" Intuitive, humanitarian, cause-oriented, sophisticated, trend setting. These are the people that annoy everyone else around them. They invented political correctness, animal rights, hug-a-tree day and contribute to global warming with the obscene amounts of hot air emanating from their yappers. Unfortunately they will be hitting you up for funds to stop global warming the next time the temperature cracks 40 in January. This is also the dawning of their age.

Pisces - "I believe" Imaginative, compassionate, undiscriminating, self-sacrificing. These are the people that make you sick. They set an impossible level of niceness that nobody else can live up to and make the rest of us look bad. When they come around with their sweet smiles and their love and concern you have to control the urge to slap them.

Tomorrow, in part two we will look at the horoscope and perhaps try our hand at a few. It should be fun!

Men and Women are From Earth, There's No Oxygen on Those Other Planets

2009-02-14T08:05:00.006-06:00

In honor of this most special of days (to women). I thought I would leave the area of the self-help section with which I am comfortable and enter the scary section. I really shouldn't refer to it as a section. It has its own aisle and in some cases its own store. Relationship self-help should be an oxymoron when you think about it. Shouldn't there be two involved in helping? Can I get a shout out from the sisters? ...nothing ... Okay maybe not. I have so far avoided this subject because:

1. I really know very little about it. In fact my wife looked at my title and scoffed that it would have helped me to write this if I had actually read the book one of the fourteen times she asked me to. What she doesn't know is that her secret ploy of replacing my magazines in the bathroom with that infernal tome did have the desired effect. I actually read the dang thing. (I know, I know, I was desperate! I mean, who can just sit there?) Reading the book though did nothing for my overall knowledge of relationships. Basically all I know is, she hasn't left yet and that is good.

2. My wife reads this blog. I have had to explain to several relatives and friends already that this is all in fun. You know, I am just kidding. Kind of, sort of, well some of the time. So making fun of relationships and her favorite book is a touchy subject. One which I of course saved for Valentines Day. Hmmmm, maybe a rose and a Hersheys bar won't cut it this year?

3. I am a man. Quite simply put I just don't like talking about this stuff. Before there is a relationship you go have fun. No expectations, no worries. "Did you have fun?" "Yeah" "Want to go out again some time?" "Sure" "Okay I'll call you." That's the extent of the relationship at that point to a guy. He goes home thinking about the girl, how nice she was, how pretty she was, the smell of her perfume still in his car, he thinks about which day he would like to go out again and then he opens his apartment door. His roommates have the game on. They are yelling at the refs who just blew the call. All that girl stuff is wiped completely from his memory. His roommates ask him during a timeout where he was. He says he can't remember. Then they ask him the most important question on everyone's minds. Did he bring any food back?

So having avoided this question for now obvious reasons I have decided to tackle it today. Speaking of Valentines day. Could there be any worse day of the year for men? Let's put a day on the calendar where men are expected to be romantic. Let's put it the same day as everybody else so they can fight for reservations to restaurants, plays, shows and tractor pulls. Maybe that last one wasn't such a good idea (sorry honey). Let's give the florists and jewelers and candy stores months of advanced notice to double and triple their prices so they can slash them, just in time for Valentine's Day. Great idea!

So on to relationships, (you thought I forgot). Back in 1992 Dr John Gray published a book suggesting men and women were from different planets. This was so obvious to people everywhere that nobody bought the book. Then a few relatives of his purchased it and gave it away as presents and word began to spread. This guy had really figured it out. The revolutionary concept discussed in the book is that men and women are different. They react different, they think different, they deal with stress differently, they have different needs. Men and women are different. So different in fact that they come from different spheres altogether.
In an effort to keep it fair Gray placed them on neighboring planets. You couldn't have women from Venus and men from Earth. Women would be pissed. "So they are normal and I am an alien from some other planet?" He could have had the women on Earth and the guys on Mars and it really wouldn't have affected things at all though. Men only read this stuff when women steal their bathroom reading material and they get desperate. At that point, Oprah magazine looks interesting.

So this revolutionary concept sweeps the world. The book becomes an international bestseller. Women everywhere are reading it and weeping over their ruined relationships. Women who are single and have never dated are reading it and are thinking that that nun thing doesn't sound so bad after all. Okay there is a little more in there than the fact that men and women are different. I did read it. I did! Why are you looking at me like that?

To illustrate the difference between men and women (Martians and Venetians, I kept thinking of cleaning the blinds every time he used that phrase), Gray introduces the point system. It is probably a good thing that most men don't read these books because I can tell you my reaction to the point system. I was angry. I had to retreat to my cave to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective. Okay no not really. I just couldn't believe that women thought that way. Of course I did have to keep in mind that this book was written by a guy so; what does he know? So what is the points system?

Men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. For men, they tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) whereas for women they give each act of love one point at a time.

Women totally understand that, for the men, I'll interpret. A man buys his wife a single rose at a floral shop because they were cheap and he wants to butter her up for that golf trip he and the buddies are planning in two months. The wife is pleased with the rose. He gets one point. A week later the man goes to the jeweler and buys her a set of diamond earrings. He presents them to her on the big night. You know, the night he asks about taking the golf trip. Now here is what will blow the guy away. She says no! Guess how many points you get for the earrings guys. 1 That is it. You bought her a 2 1/2 dollar rose that is already dead and got a point but now shell out several hundred for a couple of shiny rocks to brighten up her earlobes forever (or at least until she loses one in the register) and you get 1 stinking point for that. A point you probably lost by asking for the golf trip at the same time. There were two diamonds there, one for each ear. Shouldn't you at least get 2 points? That's not how women grade you. Now let me fill you in on a few secrets to up your points and get to the bonus level. If you had a candle while presenting, that would have been a point, a simple card, 1 point, wrap the little box, 1 point. If you had done this over dinner instead of in the bathroom you could have had another point. See how this works? You get equal points for the wrapping paper on the outside of the box as you do for the diamond earrings inside! Do you see how crazy this is? Doesn't anyone see how crazy this is? Does anybody hear me? So for the men reading out there. Do you understand now why we will never understand women? This is only one small part and it still baffles my mind.

So how does a man score? Not that way! A man scores in much larger blocks depending on the size of the gift given. Oh how nice, you got me a watch. I have been needing one of those. Thanks honey. 5 points. WOW, You got me a new 50 inch HDTV? Honey I have never loved you more! 100 points! Could you get me a drink while I hook this up? There are an extra 5 points in it for ya if bring me a sandwich with that drink. Thanks honey. Men will give points away in large blocks commensurate with the gift given.

So what problems arise because of these differing points systems? Do I really need to explain it? Or do you just want me to have some fun with it? The husband performs 4 hours of yardwork making their home look perfectly maintained on the outside. Then he comes inside and fixes several issues that have needed attention for the past several weeks. He turned down an invitation to go fishing with his buddies to stay at home and take care of his home and family. The man has scored himself a 20 for his sacrifice and hours of hard work. The woman gives him 1 for outside work, 1 fixing inside and 1 for sacrifice. So we have a 17 point deficiency gap here. This will become evident when the man plops down and starts watching a game in the afternoon. The wife asks him to go pick up daugher who is at her friends house. "Can't you go do it?" The man now thinks of his 20 points earned that day and figures that is plenty. "No," "But I am getting supper started." The woman thinks about his 3 points and figures he has had a nice day but she has earned at least as many points as him and still has supper to prepare. So he goes to get his daughter angry, thinking that even giving up a fishing trip with the guys wasn't enough for her.

Basically what we have here is a failure to communicate.

All of this over 17 points? So what can be done? I really don't know. If I had stayed and read that far my legs would have grown numb. I would assume there is something about communicating and talking and sharing feelings and blah blah blah. Personally the better solution is for the man to just go fishing. Then the only points you have to worry about it is if your catch is big enough to keep and if you caught more than your buddies. There could be a negative point balance when you get home, but light some candles, wrap something in paper and tell her you love her until you are ahead a few points. Then ask her to clean the fish!

The other big concept in Gray's book is the Cave and the Wave. This whole discussion of relationships is stressing me out. I need a few moments to relax. Be right back ... ... ... ... Okay I feel a little better now. Men react to stress by retreating or going "into a cave". That means they want space to think about their problem or don't want to think about it at all. Often I retreat into my cave to down a few ho-ho's or to watch a ballgame. This has become a very nice phrase for me since I learned about it. "Honey can you take out the garbage?" "Sorry, I'm in my cave right now. I really need some time here." "Okay, I'll take care of it." For all of you guys who haven't learned this phrase I highly recommend it. It will get you out of more stuff than a broken leg.

Women of course deal with stress the exact opposite. They ride the wave. They give love and nuturing until they feel that they have given all that they can and then they crash. When that happens they need to share their feelings with you to feel better so they can give and love again. What does that all mean? When a woman is miserable she hunts you down and wants to make you miserable too. By the way, she is not coming to you for a solution. She just wants you to share in her misery. Give her a solution and you make it worse. Women everywhere are nodding their heads. Women stop nodding, that banging noise you hear is your man's head slamming repeatedly into the wall. He might need some bandages and lots of time in his cave.

So what do we do with all of this? Are you asking me? Didn't you read the rest of this post? Do you think I have a clue? If you don't have a significant other be grateful. If you do, be grateful. And if you happen to know of a good restaurant with open reservations, candles and maybe a violin, after my wife reads this, I am going to need a few points.

Hurry! Oprah is on at 3

2009-02-13T08:21:00.006-06:00

Are you feeling a little depressed?

Do you wish you had more friends?

Do you wish you had any friends?

Are you wondering why you keep having problems in your career?

Do you live too far away from your parents to be able to blame them for your problems?

I have a new solution for you. A new reason for the wreck that is your life. Lack of self-esteem. Finally the answer is upon us. It isn't your lack of interest in work. It isn't your abrasive personality. It isn't even your bad case of body odor. It is your tragically low self-esteem. If we can find the solution to that problem this morning we can save you. And isn't that why we are here really?

Let's start with prevention. How does this happen to people? Most likely it is because they believe that they know how life "should" be. Then they compare their trainwreck with the ideal and Mr. Depression shows up at the door.

So I believe the mathematical formula for low self-esteem and subsequent depression is:

Unrealistic Expectations+Comparisons/twinkies = Depression ----->Low Self Esteem

I am not sure how the twinkies got in there but I know they fit somewhere. So how do the Self-Esteem systems attempt to help? Let's take a look.

You are you and that is wonderful isn't it? You have to believe that. Even if you are reading this while sitting on the couch at 3 in the afternoon, still in your bathrobe because you just couldn't get up today. Evidence of a mass murder of twinkies is scattered on the couch and floor around you. You have discovered that dipping twinkies in Haigan Dais Double Chocolate Chunky produces a pleasing effect on the palate. In fact, the thought of that culinary collection of flavors is what got you out of bed and to the couch in the first place. That and the fact that Oprah was on in a few minutes. So you sit with laptop in what is left of your lap (think about that one) and peruse the internet wondering to yourself why you have such low self-esteem.

Number one in the blame game is your parents. If only Mommy would have breast fed me I wouldn't have had separation anxiety and the fear of loss I deal with now. What you of course don't admit is that your fear is of being separated from your twinkies and losing your haigan dais.

"If only Dad had said 'I love you' to me when I was growing up, then I wouldn't feel so rejected in life."

Oh good grief. Grow a set, Nancy boy. Nobodies Dad said I love you growing up. Stand in line.

You think I'll make it as a self-esteem counselor?

Number two in the blame game is bad luck.

"If only a few things broke my way once in a while, I would feel better about myself."
"I was going to a job interview for a job that was really going to make me happy and my only suit pants split right down the middle. I was so mortified I had to go home and have some haigan dais. I mean, how unlucky can a person be?"
"Bill Gates was the luckiest guy to ever make 56 billion dollars. Things just kept breaking his way."

Number three in the blame game is God.
"God hates me."
"God is mean to me." Or now the favorite of many.
"There is no God."

Funny enough, people remember God quick when they need stuff and they hope he knows they were just kiddin when they said all that other stuff before. I would imagine more prayers are uttered in a courtroom than in churches on Sunday.

"I know I said I don't believe in you but, could you get me out of these 64 parking tickets? I promise I'll change."

"Guilty on all charges"

"I knew you weren't there, see if I believe in YOU in again."

Number four in the blame game is yourself. Yes, some people do blame themselves for everything that is wrong. The problem is, they aren't willing to do anything about it.

"I know I am a twinkie and Rocky Chunky eating, Oprah watching, lazy no working bum."

I know I need to change. I am going to. But after tomorrow. Did you hear Oprah has Tom Cruise for a whole hour tomorrow? I just can't miss it."

"

So having blamed everybody and knowing what causes low self-esteem let's examine what can be done to boost it right down the tracks of life so you can reach the station of success, happiness, power, fame, riches, major movie roles opposite beautiful actresses who fall hopelessly for your debonair style and charisma but whom you reject because they bore you. That might be my all time record run on sentence!

What can yo do? First set a big goal in your life. I think you should start with the twinkies. I mean, what are those things made of anyways? Put down the twinkies and slowly back away. Decide on a big goal and then do everything in your life to make that goal happen.

"I really want to get back to wearing regular people clothes again, no more moo-moo's."

Whatever it is, you have to believe in it. It has to stir your soul. It has to shake you to your core. It has to make you ... hang on ... I wanted to see if Tom Cruise freaked out again on Oprah. Okay I'm back. Where was I? Oh yeah, it has to be something that you want and will do everything to get. Then go get it.

Remember always these two things:

1. What is great about right now? Things like, I have plenty of twinkies. My haigan dais supply is a little iffy but with proper rationing I should be fine. This kind of self-talk can help us to feel better about today and will lead you to feel better about you.

2. What do you have to feel thankful for? Well ... I don't sweat in the winter any more. Oprah has a pretty good guest list next week and no reruns. That should do it.

Remember that the truth is what you believe it to be.

"I am the wife of Bill Gates, he just bought me a house in the Hamptons for a little surprise. He looks a little goofy but hey, I can live with it. He has cash and is great to have around when my computer locks up." This truth would probably be best if A)Bill Gates was single and B) You were a woman. So think of something realistic. I hope what I have been able to do today is to boost your self-image and let you know that you can do whatever you want to in life if you just make it the most important thing you do. If not, then at least you have a good recipe for twinkies and Rocky Chunky Chocolate.

The Dirty Little Secret

2009-02-12T07:07:00.007-06:00

SSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Be very very quiet.

I am going to tell you a secret. In fact I am going to tell you about THE secret. You can't tell anybody else. They have to learn it for themselves. Chances are, they will discover it a few happy months before they die. Then they will hate you for not telling them sooner. That hate will of course negate the effects of the secret and their happiness will be crushed leading to misery and unhappiness. So its best to just keep it ... well ... you know ... a secret.

First some history, wait, you in the back, where are you going? Sit back down! In 1937, author Napolean Hill published his book Think and Grow Rich, which went on to become one of the best selling books of all time, selling over 60 million copies. In the beginning of the book, Napoleon Hill mentions a "secret" to success. It is never named directly for he says that discovering it on one's own is far more beneficial. Many people have argued over what the secret actually is, but there is a general conception that the secret he referred to is, in fact, the Law of Attraction.

Okay that is all, was that so bad? Where'd that guy in the back go? That's okay, he wasn't worthy. So what are the primary tenets of the Law of Attraction? Let's examine ... and make fun ...

1. Know what you want - This is a very important step in the Law of Attraction. How many of those rub-the-lamp jokes start with the guy (why is it always a guy?) not knowing what he wants? So get your three wishes lined up ahead of time. I want world peace. I want no more world hunger and I really want to win this contest.

2. Ask the universe for it - This one seems obvious enough until you get down to the mechanics of it. How does one go about asking the universe for something? How much of the universe do you implore for your wish? What if you just want an ice cream sundae? Should you really engage the cosmic powers of the entire universe for that? Or perhaps just Pluto and maybe one of the planets of Saturn? But the asking part is still perplexing.

Oh great universe, I really need to find my car keys.

THEY'RE IN YOUR TAN PANTS!

Thanks universe!

That begs the question, are there any things beyond the abilities of even the universe?

Universe, I really need help understanding what is going on inside my wife's head.

...............

Universe?

..............

Universe?

I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU.

Mysteriously universe stops answering your calls for the next two weeks and employs a new universe secretary to screen your messages.

3. Feel and behave as if the object of your desire is on its way - This one sounds suspiciously like Positive Mental Attitude. For my feelings on that see my post below.

So I need to picture my ice cream sundae on its way here from Pluto? I don't know about you but when I need ice cream, I generally don't want to wait several years for it to arrive. Then there is the question of re-entry. Could ice cream survive that? Another thought suddenly hits me as well, I forgot that I don't like nuts. Is it too late? Has my sundae already left? Do they have ice cream on Pluto? To help me concentrate I head down to DQ to get an ice cream sundae. As I eat the hot fudge I mull these cosmic thoughts over in my brain. I almost had it figured out when I hit the bottom of the dish and my inspiration leaves me. Oh well, back to Solitaire and minesweeper.

4. Be open to receiving it - This is the step for women. A man could not fathom going through the pain of steps 1-3 and then changing their mind and rejecting the object of their desire. For women, this is a daily ritual. "Now that it's here, I am not sure I want it" is the first sentence spoken by most every female on this planet. Even Apes have hand signals for it.

"Take that banana right back to where it came from gorilla boy"

"But you wanted it."

"You better respect! Or that banana won't be the only thing I'm throwing!"

So you have called down the powers of the universe on your behalf. In essence, you have altered the destiny of the planet for your own selfish desires. This fourth rule just asks if you will kindly NOT GIVE IT BACK! That is all.

So let's review, know what you want; ask the universe; (or at least leave a message with its secretary); feel as if the object is on its way; and be open to receiving it. This is the law of attraction. This is the secret. This is the reason rich people are rich and you aren't.

Isn' t this the most moronic thing you have ever heard of? I mean come on. Could any rational human being believe that if I ask the universe for something it would just magically show up outside my door (hang on the asteroid is here with my pizza. HEY, I SAID NO ONIONS). The law of attraction is a self-help system, thinly veiled as a believe-you-can succeed-if-you-just-think-you-can go-get-em rah rah rah positive-mental-attitude book all rolled up into one. (English teachers everywhere just fainted reading that last sentence) :)

Here comes the true secret. The people who succeed using the Secret are the same people who succeed using any system. They are very smart people who work their butts off to earn what they got. (Hold on, I think my flat screen TV just arrived from Venus.) The key to selling your self-help system is to get a few of these people to attend and then go out and do what they always do, make it big. Then you have what every system needs. Testimonials. They quote these big succesful people who tell you that they used the Secret and now they earn $45,324.12 per month and you can too results may vary and are not typical, this program and its network do not imply that you can or will earn anything by applying these principles. Actual work may be required, I repeat, actual work my be required.

So after learning the Law of Attraction and its Secret I thought I would impart a few other Secrets I have discovered over my years on this planet.

1. Nice, pretty girls don't date nice guys. In fact the worse you treat them, the more they will like you.
2. You must lick the sides of your ice cream cone. This is mostly for my kids who seem to think that licking from the top will keep the stuff on the sides from melting all over their hands and the car.
3. Whichever line you pick will be the slowest. If you switch to a faster line then that line will immediately become the slowest. This also applies to lanes on the freeway. This is a rule of the universe.
4. Your car will always break down after you take it in for preventative maintenance. This may be caused by your mechanic sticking a screwdriver though your alternator but it is probably just a law of the universe.
5. Every family has at least one weirdo. Most have many more. But as you read that last line you in fact thought of the one in your family. It is the one you try to keep the children away from on Memorial Day picnics. The reason why God sends a weirdo to each family is for conversation. Without them, what would we have to talk about?
6. Children do not keep you younger. I kept hearing this as my children got older. I thought, good, I don't want to get old before my time. This is a lie. Children wear you out. Dad, I need ten bucks for a field trip tomorrow. Dad, I need help studying for Biology. Dad, I am done babysitting, can you pick me up? Dad, I had to stay after school to work on my audition for next year''s band, can you pick me up. Dad, can I be in the play which means picking me up everyday after school for two months? Dad, I have a science project and need to make a mobile of the planets. Can you stop at the craft store? Oh by the way, somewhere in there I have a job. You might think those last lines were an exaggeration, they were the last three days.

The people who say children keep you younger either A)have no children. B) have 1 child) or C) have all their children out of the house.

I am sure I have missed out on many more secrets in life. Please feel free to add yours in the comments.

In the mean time, remember this secret, the universe is there, at your disposal, waiting to be called on. Believe it, accept it, know that it will change your life. I can give a testimonial to the power of the Milky Way.

It has changed my life.

Want Some Pie? I can't, I'm Fat

2009-02-11T06:57:00.019-06:00

Chunky, Tubby, Chubby, Plump, Big-Boned, Thick, Short for your weight, Voluptuous, Porky, Full-Figured, Husky (My current term of use), Fluffy, Potbellied, Heavy, Heavyset, Rotund, Flabby, Podgy, Pudgy, Stocky, Stout, Thickset, Potbellied, Portly, Fatty and of course Fat.

No matter how you slice this pie, (and chances are it will be a big slice with lots of whip cream on top) America is getting bigger. Our look at self-help today focuses on weight loss, the ultimate coup de grace of all self-help programs. For this post I had to do no research, I looked up no outside resources. This comes from the soul. Today we will examine the advice given to Fatties. ( I can say because I belong to the group) Let's start with my personal favorite.

Just Eat Less - This is always delivered by skinny people who just can't understand why fat people eat so much. This is almost always said by the skinny person as they knock off their second piece of cheesecake after singlehandedly wiping out the crab population at the chinese buffet. Skinny people and their hyper metabolism always think it is just a matter of self control that makes fat people fat. Tell that to my mom who can eat a cracker and water for three days and gain a pound.

Just Start Exercising - This is also delivered by skinny people who recommend their fat friend to their skinny people gym for a skinny people workout that nearly kills their fat friend. After several days in traction the fat person is able to return to work vowing that exercise isn't perhaps for them. Another problem with fat people exercising is clothes. Fat people rarely find clothes that fit and if they do it's just barely. Now add exercise and suddenly you have parts and flesh showing that nobody should ever have to see. In fact there are pchycotherapists who specialize in recovery from this sort of trauma alone.

Try This New Diet - This is delivered by other fat people or worse yet skinny people who have that extra 2.3 pounds to lose. "I found this great new lima bean diet and it really works. I barely want to eat at all. I have totally lost my appettite." Perhaps eating nothing but lima beans had something to do with that? These new diets can be everything from liquid only to red meat to no red meat to diets named after exotic places.

"Have you tried the Antarctic diet yet?"

"No. What is it?"

"It is pretty simple. You just eat snowballs. I have lost a ton!"

Try hypnosis - You are getting sleepy, you are getting sleepy, STOP EATING SO MUCH FATTY! Okay I haven't tried this one but this is about where I would rate it on the effective scale.

Take the Latest Herbal Supplement - These pills are not FDA approved. There is no medicine in them. They are not proven to actually do anything. They will probably give you a bad case of diahrea. But they do charge a ridiculous amount for them at your local health food store and they are in the weight loss aisle so that has to mean something right? Another notch in their belt is the washed up celeb they get to host their late night infomercial on QVC. I don't know about you, but that just oozes credibility to me.

Try a Diet Center - You see their commercials, you drive by their centers. You even see their food brand in your local supermarket. Join Weightwatchers and melt those pounds away! The first 5 pounds are free!

Have you called Jenny yet?

Come on in and meet with our counselor (skinny) who will discuss your issues (eat too much, lazy, fat, bad metabolism, love ho-ho's) and will help place you on a personalized (same as everybody else your height and weight) program to get you healthy, (skinny) energized, (off your fat rump) and feeling good about yourself again (not fat.)

These diet centers typically do work great for everyone involved in the short term. The fat person usually loses weight simply because they are afraid of their counselor. The diet center owners rake in lots of cash and the skinny people enjoy their careers helping rehabilitate fat people back into society. In the long term though it is a co-dependent relationship. Fat people who go to these centers almost never keep the weight off so they have to come back which keeps skinny people happy in their careers (job security) and keeps the money flowing to the diet center owners (greedy money grabbing goats.) That is why they don't actually write a program that will help you keep the weight off for good.

Eat Less Food - I know I know, this one is listed twice. It's just that I have heard it so many times from annoying little stick figure people that I would like to use them for a seat cushion the next time I go to the buffet. Spread the word skinny people. Take a close look at my profile picture. If you see a guy like me and have even the slight inkling of telling me to eat less to lose weight. Please, for YOUR own good health. Stuff it in your pie hole!

Self-Hypnosis - Unlocking the Itch inside you

2009-02-10T06:53:00.011-06:00

Do you know what the obstacle is preventing you from creating the abundant, carefree life that you've dreamed about?

Do you know what is sabotaging your success?

Do you ever feel that you are missing a "piece to the puzzle?"

Well the answers to each of those questions and more can be found by unlocking the subconscious marvels of self-hypnosis.

You probably thought that your miserable existence was due to too little education or having 6 kids before the age of 20 or even your creepy Uncle Fred. NO! The real problems in your life can all be blamed now on your subconscious belief system. Isn't it great finding other stuff to blame your problems on?

So being the problem solvers that we are, we set out to fix this unconscious ... er ... subcontractor ... er ... that brain thingy problem so we can be normal like all the other people we see on TV.

So where should we turn to for an expert to guide us on this journey of self exploration? Google of course. Let's see, I want to succeed in life. I want to solve my problems. I want to be happy, but I don't want to pay any money and I don't want to do any work whatsoever. I wonder why I haven't found anything yet?

Hmmm, let's see, this one has a visa card on their front page. They want cash, hit the back button. This one looks like some kind of freak. I am cheap but not easy. Here is one, the Automatic Success Attractor!!! They will send me a Mini-course for free!

Discover the "missing link" that Doug and his clients have used to overcome challenging personal and business obstacles ... negotiate the most impossible-sounding deals ... and rocket their success to the sun!

Rocket to the Sun!! Although, the sun is really hot. Wouldn't I burn up and die there? Wouldn't the moon be a better metaphor?

Utilize proven strategies in the Automatic Success Attractor that keep you miles ahead of your competition - not to mention your #1 enemy - your own sub-conscious mind.

Here I thought my number one enemy was potato chips. I had no idea it was part of my mind secretly holding me back. Who did that to me anyway? It was probably my sisters, playing some joke on me while I was sleeping all those years ago. "You hate school. You hate homework. College is for sissy-boys. Your boss is a moron." Okay, that last one probably wasn't them.

Get the Automatic Success Attractor Mini-Course and the technology that Doug Ottersberg used to create $2 million from $2000.

Great, with the mini course I can take everything in my bank account and turn it into ... let's see, if I start with $20 bucks I can make that ... carry the 2 ... HONEY, YOU GOT A CALCULATOR? ... Well forget it but I'll bet it would be a lot!

So I get the mini-course downloaded and it tells me to shut everything out and lay back. Just relax my mind. Think of the things I want beforehand. So I think immediately of a good nap but that probably isn't what the program had in mind. So I just take the suggestions off their site. Be successful at work. More self confidence, blah blah blah. Now it tells me to find a place to sit comfortably, so I sit. Close your eyes, I close them. A relaxing music starts playing.

About thirty minutes later I wake up and realize I am going to have to start over.

Sit comfortably, got it. Close your eyes, got it. Relaxing music, got it. Feel yourself relaxing your feet. I get to thinking; how does one relax his feet? I mean they are either relaxed or not? Ok the audio is already moving on to my legs so I hurry up and roll my feet around a few times figuring that will have to do. Relax your arms, I do the funky chicken, arms are a check. My hands, I pop every knuckle. That feels goooooood. Hands, check. Now your neck. Neck, check. Relax your head. Okay we have a problem. This melon of mine doesn't do anything, it just sits here on shoulders. I have no idea how to relax it. Fair enough says the tape and we move on. Now that you are relaxed you must deepen.

Huh?

Deepen it tells me again.

What?

DEEPEN!

OKAY I'LL DEEPEN!

So you press your butt as far into your seat as it will go. This will have to do. i am as deep as I am going to get. Start the healing. Do your magic. Solve my problems.

Before any suggestions can be planted in your willing mind though a new problem arises. You feel an itch. It starts on your nose, you are deeply relaxed so you don't want to move your arms but that itch is killing you. It moves to your cheek and then the back of your neck. Then the top of your arm. Then your whole body starts to feel like an army of ants is having their annual 5k charity run and your body is the track. You can't even hear the music any more or hear the voice, you feel no relaxation, you just want to get up and rip the skin from your body. The problem is you have invested 20 minutes relaxing and don't want to go through that again. It gets to the point though where you throw in the towel, get out the nails and scratch til you have red marks all over and enough flesh under your fingertips to give DNA samples for a year. So what did you learn from all of this?

Don't screw with your subconscious, it will make you itch.

Corporate Boot Camps - Bring a Shovel

2009-02-09T06:51:00.001-06:00

"Okay mister, today we are going to outline cutting-edge strategies that many of the world’s top Fortune 500 companies use to succeed in today’s ultra-competitive environment."

"Our business experts will show you a number of business tactics and corporate advantages many have yet to discover. That's right, we're going to teach you how to cheat but you know what? In a time of war, there ain't no cheatin, there's only winnin and losin. You got it?"

"YES SIR!"

"I CANT HEAR YOU!"

"YES SIR!"

"Now, over the next 5 days we are going to tear you apart and then we are going to put you back together again to enhance your business and personal needs. It will be tough, it will be hard, you will be sore, you will be sleepy. (breaks are listed in your schedule, kindly open up to page 2 of your binders. Very good, ok let's continue) It will be the toughest two days of your professional lives but when you are done you will have the skill, you will have the knowledge, you will have the determination necessary to compete in the take no prisoners arena of (shuffles papers, reading, reading, got it!) Dog food sales! Now you Nancy's got any questions?"

"Excuse me, sir, excuse me."

"Yes. You in the back."

"Why did you single me out?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well my name is Nancy."

"Oh ... that was just a metaphor. Anybody here named Sally?" ... Silence ...

"Good then any of you Sally's need assistance or if we get too rough you raise your little hands and let us know. "

"TURN TO PAGE FOUR IN YOUR BINDERS!"

"YES SIR!"

Having come from the world of corporate training I have attended a few "Boot Camps" in my life and even taught several. Ongoing training by corporations was a concept first hatched by trainers and consultants. They realized quickly that there were simply not enough new hires to justify their existence on the payroll so they went to the higher ups (which for trainers is everybody) and told them of a new concept being embraced by companies everywhere,
ongoing employee training.

They sold it to management as a way to keep the workforce motivated and informed and improving. To the workforce it was days off the job which was always a winner. To the trainers and consulting firms it was a reason to justify their existence. See everybody wins. The problem was, management starting wanting results. They were shelling out big dough to these big firms for modules 1A-16R of reading personality types and they wanted to know if it was actually improving their business. The consultants and trainers hadn't counted on that. Usually they passed out evaluations slips at the end of the seminar which could easily be manipulated by letting them out an hour early.

"I hated the training but he gave me an hour of my life back, all 10's!"

Show those evals to the corporate higher ups and that would be enough. Right? Nope, they wanted to know if that six figure check was paying off. So the firms and trainers had to increase the intensity, up the ante. Somewhere along the line in a brainstorming session a creative thinker (who had fallen asleep to An Officer and a Gentelman the night before) decided it would be cool to have a corporate boot camp. It was a day that would live in infamy.

Let's pull everyone out of their jobs, (something trainers love doing) and lock them away for a few days or even a week. Depending on their clout they might even secure a different location for their retreat like Vegas! Then put them through 12 hour days where the schedule is so full that bathroom breaks and stretching is scheduled. Also a must is that not one iota of worthwhile information can be given the entire week. Every last thing you hear is crap that you have already heard in your weekly breakout sessions with your team leaders. My personal favorite ploy is the big announcement. They always save some big announcement for the end that they think is going to wow everybody and send them off motivated to sell sell sell, work work work, scratch scratch scratch. (sorry, I had an itch) The problem with the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT is:

A) Everybody already knows about it. "Did you hear that we are merging the marketing and sales divisions? " "Yeah" "Well did you hear that Brad Smith is going to run them both?" "Yeah" "How did you find out?" "From the guy that cleans the toilets."

B) Nobody cares. The big announcement this year is that the executive team is moving its annual retreat to Hawaii. Everyone standing in the room smiles and applauds. All of those who actually work are seated and have lived through a week of 12 hour days of training hell and could care less so they are not up to faking it.

C) It is another example of the company screwing with your head. Hey everyone. We are going to send each of you to the West Coast for a weekend on a trip for two if we meet our sales goals for the quarter ... Everyone perks up ... and our budget goals ... and our profitability goals ... shoulders begin to slump as a hand is raised in the back.

"Yes"

"What exactly are profitibility goals?"

Coughing and looking to others who are standing in the front the speaker continues "Well that is based on a complicated formula that has to do with your sales and the budget and market factors."

"So your saying that if we reach our sales goal that we might not get the trip?"

"Well now I wouldn't go that far."

"So if we reach our goal we do get the trip"

Coughing again and looking at those standing he nods his head in the direction of the person asking questions who is taken into the hall for a chat. The man is never seen or heard from again.

"Any other questions?"

Dead silence fills the room.

"Great! So aren't you all excited about the big announcement?" Nervous clapping by everyone except those standing. They are into it.

D) All of the Above. Most likely the big announcement will involve some part of A-C. General rule of thumb is if the people standing like the big announcement, the people seated will hate it.

So you leave the boot camp armed with a suitcase of binders that you have filled with pages of notes that will sit in your cubicle and collect dust until you need the binders for something else. You have learned nothing, you are behind a week's work, the big announcement was a big dud and sitting on your desk Monday morning is an evaluation form of the whole experience. Now you would like to rip the whole thing a new one but, if you rip this apart you are ripping the company apart. So you play nice.

It was enlightnening, it was intense, I understand now why they call it a boot camp. I hope to acheive the goals I have set this last week and improve the areas that need improvement. Enhance the areas that need enhancing and assist others in their development goals as well.

There, that should get them off your back until the next boot camp when the big announcement will be a trip to Disneyland for everybody ...

If you meet profitibility, budget, sales and marketing goals and if Mars leaves Mercury and enters Sagitarius at just the right time. "Isn't that exciting?"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

Life Coaching - Become an Expert in 30 days or less

2009-02-08T07:32:00.000-06:00

In my days as a trainer I had a lot of down time. Asking a trainer to work a full time schedule is like asking a movie star to do commercials, it could happen, but they better pay me a lot of money to do so. Since the company I worked for was not inclined to pay me a lot of money I began looking for a second career that could help earn a little extra during the weeks I wasn't on the road. Another trainer told me that I should be a life coach. He didn't give me any more information so that left my mind to wonder on the subject. What exactly is a life coach?

Sometime early in the morning a loud whistle blows.

"OK Sally, out of bed. What do you think this is, a vacation?"

"Well actually yes, it is my vacation."

"Tough, drop down there and give me 20 good ones and then we are balancing that checkbook.

"How did you get in my hotel room?"

"OK Johnson, you trying to get cute with me? Read this self help book on PMA and then run two laps, helmet and pads on!"

Sorry, I am having flashbacks. I just couldn't imagine what a life coach would do. I figured though that the training would take a few years and tons of extra classwork to get the expertise. I mean, these are people's lives we are screwing with here. So I start searching the internet for certification or life coach degrees. Here is what I found:

There are six self-appointed accreditation bodies for business and life coaching: the International Coaching Council (ICC), the International Coach Federation (ICF), the International Association of Coaching (IAC), the Certified Coaches Federation (CCF), the European Coaching Institute (ECI) and the International Guild of Coaches (IGC).

So in other words they are all crap. This sounds like boxing where they have 5 heavyweight belts with different people calling themselves the champ. So who really is the champ? Whoever Don King says.

I figure their training programs have to be pretty strenuous to get one of these certifications so I google that and here is what I find:

Certified Profressional Coaching Program {CPCP}

127 hours direct contact (teleclasses) + 69 hours indirect contact (self-study) + 84 hours coaching and being coached = 280 total program hours

Sounds like a lot doesn't it? 280 hours equals roughly 2 months. So I can start screwing with people's heads and telling them what is wrong with their lives, professionally, in two months. Here is the best part, THEY PAY ME FOR IT!! So being a little lazy and thinking that 280 is an awful lot of hours I dig deeper.

Coaching Institute

125 hours but they want US$8,433 for tuition, you know I am not a coach yet but I am going to blow the whistle on that one.

Let's think about that for a minute though. You are depressed, your job is going nowhere. You have no direction in life so you google "painless suicide methods" and on a sidebar ad it asks if you need a life coach. Ignoring that for a moment, you peruse your options but find that all of the sites are written by people who didn't actually succeed. So you scroll back to the life coach and decide to give living one last chance.

Now just imagine again that the gal picking up the phone to sort out the mess that is your life and help to give you some hope and direction has been trained for about a month. You trust them implicitly which is why your life is a mess in the first place. They listen to your horror story about your lazy boss, your failed positivity seminars, your failed relationships and your dog that seems to take glee in peeing on your bed.

Your life coach listens for the keywords that will plug you into the formulas they learned in their cram session certification program and voila! They have the answers that will change your life!

You listen with baited breath as she reveals your first step back to the land of the living which is ... wait for it ...

Clean out your closet. Then your life coach tells you how you need to set small goals in life and accomplish them blah blah blah. All you can think about is the fact that you forked over $450 bucks to the lady so she could tell you to clean your closet. Good grief your mom's been telling you that every visit for the past year. Better yet you could have had a maid service do it for half that! So you look around your house for the closet with nothing in it or in other words the path of least resistance and finding the coat closet isn't too bad you spend a half an hour "repairing your life."

"There, doesn't that feel better already?" asks Cathy life coach when you call to tell her you are done. Actually no, your back hurts and you need a nap. You lie though and tell her that the feelings of accomplishment are overwhelming. You feel like you are turning over a brand new leaf, blah blah blah.

So now you have graduated to step two, this one you think will actually start helping you. That first one was just to get your attention. For $450 it had better be. So life coach Cathy tells you that step two is ...

Take a walk in nature. Nature heals and connects you she says in that annoying voice she uses when she is trying to be profound. This is her sage advice? Take a walk in nature? Could this include golf clubs and 18 holes you think to yourself? Probably not and you're broke from shelling out money to your life coach. Your back is also killing you from cleaning out the closet. So you take a stroll around the backyard and go inside and take a nap on the couch. There, now you feel healed and connected or at least not as sleepy.

Coach Cathy is thrilled when you call her to report your "progress." So now she tells you that your are ready for step three.

Phone someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Great, you talk on the phone all week at work, you have to talk to your "life coach" for what seems like hours in the evenings and now you have to phone somebody you haven't talked to for a while. You hang up the phone and wrack your brain, trying to think of someone you haven't talked to that you could survive a conversation with. No, no, no, definitely not. Hmmm, you've got it! You pick up the phone and order a pizza. It has been so long since you've done so. You make it a point to be real chatty while you are ordering though.

"Yes, I would like mushrooms. How is business?" "Real busy good, okay and sausage and extra sauce. Crazy weather isn't it?" "Yea it has been, Ok my total is what? Ok see you in 30 minutes."

So you call Cathy feeling a little guilty. She starts grilling you about your conversation. "Yeah well, it went really well I think. I asked them how their business is going and then about the weather."

"Ok good" she says.

"Yeah, it went so well they came over and brought food."

"Wonderful!" she says excited.

Luckily she didn't ask any more questions. So she tells you that you are definitely ready for stage 4.

Clean the light switches in your home. You clean your ears and ask her to repeat her last sentence. Clean the light switches in your home she says again. At first you are a little giddy because this is obviously an easy one but then you get to thinking. You are paying this woman $450 bucks to coach you back from the brink and she has you cleaning light switches? You hang up the phone shaking your head before going about your duty. Slight problem here is that one of your light switches wasn't wired properly and adding water to the situation produces a nice shock. This turns your arm numb for the rest of the day. So you think to yourselself; is this lady trying to coach me or participate in an assisted suicide? You call her (with your good arm) a little perturbed (but with clean light switches!) and tell her your task is complete. She asks if you feel better. This time you don't lie. "No!" "I feel numb," you tell her knowing how it will screw with her brain. You can hear her clicking away on her computer. She's probably entering "feels numb" into her "coaching answers" database to see what she should say next. You have to give her credit though. She recovers nicely and tells you that step 5 will really help.

Start a new exercise program. Silence. This will really help you to evolve as a person ... silence ... and your whole life will change ... silence ... Are you still there? You have been trying to get in shape all of your adult life. It is one of the more depressing parts of your existence. It is something you have tried and failed at more times than you can count or care to count or want to remember. So your life coach tells you that the solutions to your problems are an exercise program? You mean if you workout and lose some weight and eat better you will feel better about yourself? Really? This is the best you can do for $450? I mean really, this is it? Your anger is palpable, you haven't said a word but she can feel it across the line reaching for her throat. You can hear her typing away on her database. Didn't respond. What do I do? $450 isn't worth this! Somebody help me!

"Okay" you say, "I will start an exercise program."

You figure you spent the money on this coaching business so you have nobody to blame but yourself. So Cathy the coach hangs up real quick and you start thinking about your exercise program. You have had some bad experiences (see the yoga experience below) in the past so this won't be easy then you have it. Golf is the answer.

You approach your wife and tell her that you don't want to do it but your life coach has ordered you to golf more. That it will make you successful in life. It will pay for itself. It help you be happy. It will be good exercise. It will improve your marriage. See, these are all lines you try before approaching her trying to figure out which one will work best. You settle on, "My life coach told me to." It's a fellow woman. There has to be credibility in that. Your wife gives you this look that tells you that she knows you should have brought a shovel along to scoop up what you are giving her but she can't really go against a life coach can she? I mean life coach Cathy is certified! She has had 120 hours of rigorous training (online) and knows her stuff (or at least her database does). So you now have permission to golf a couple of times a week. Suddenly this life coach thing takes a whole new twist.

Cathy is ecstatic to hear that you have no plans to hunt her down and kill her. She picked up restraining order papers after your last conversation together. She carefully files those now (under your name just in case) and tells you about Step 6

Do something nice for Someone. Cathy really believes in this one you can tell. She says to make it something totally unexpected. You know that doing something nice for someone would be totally unexpected in the first place. Just when you were starting to like this life coaching thing she has you doing this weird stuff again. Cleaning closets and light switches and being nice to people. You group each of those endeavors in the same category. All three are nice for the moment but in the long run will get you nowhere. Okay you tell her, I will take care of it.

After a rough day at work and a rough commute home you realize you haven't done a single nice thing for anyone that day. As you are grabbing a candy bar at the gas station while your car fills up you notice a buy 1 get 1 free special. So you pick out your wife's favorite candy bar and make your way back to the car. The rest of the ride home you smile knowing you have done it. Of course now that your candy bar is gone your wife's starts looking mighty tempting when traffic slows down well before your exit. No, you can't. You promised your life coach. You turn on the radio trying to distract yourself. An ad for that candy bar comes on. Dangit! Looking around as if Cathy was in the car next to you you grab that candy bar, jerk open the wrapper and start munching. You know what a loser you are but man that chocolate is good. By the time you get home you have hidden the wrapper and now have a difficult call to make.

"Did you do it?" Asks Cathy all exicted.

You pause wondering what you could tell her and then you have it.

"Yes I did." You tell her with confidence.

"What did you do and who did you do it for?" She asks giddy with anticipation.

"Well I don't know if I broke your rules but I did something for me today which was certainly unexpected but it made me feel really good."

You pause, Cathy says nothing. Did you fail? Can you fail a life coach system? Finally Cathy responds, you didn't hear her typing but maybe she has learned to do so quietly.

"Wonderful! That isn't quite what I had in mind but in some ways it might be better. Terrific. We might have had a major break through."

The only break through you can think of is the one occuring around your waistline as you ease your belt to the next larger notch. Maybe that second candy bar wasn't such a good idea?

So now she hits you with Step 7

Eat something Healthy. This lady is good. She tells you to then notice how you feel. Looking down at your loosened belt you start checking your windows for guys in black clothes with binoculars. How did she do that you wonder? "Ok I will do it." You tell her still checking the windows and pulling the drapes. Cathy hangs up and it is on to the kitchen to find something healthy.

This one is easy you think to yourself. I can eat healthy. You look through your fridge for something that qualifies. Lettuce, blech, onions, yuck, sprouts, is that food? Ok leaving the vegetable drawer and looking on the next level the wife says this tofu is healthy. You open it up and it looks like wet playdough. People eat this garbage? This won't work. You make your way to the freezer. Not much there except, wait. Ice cream, well that certainly isn't healthy. Looking on the label though it says 1/3rd less fat. Well that has got be a lot healthier than normal ice cream so you scoop up a heaping dish and enjoy, paying special attention to how you feel afterwords. Cathy asks you in your next call to explain it to her.

"I felt good, like I could eat like that the rest of my life," you say with a grin.

Cathy tells you how proud of you she is. On to step 8.

Get “Practicing the Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. Start using it Cathy says. It will change everything about you blah blah blah. Oh brother, another self help book to add to the shelf and more cash to spend. "Yes Cathy," you lie, "I will go pick it up."

So you browse the internet and find enough to fudge your way through the next call. On your next call with Cathy you are all set. "Did you pick it up?" Feeling a little guilty now but trapped you say yes. "Okay let's turn to the second page of chapter 4."

Oh crap. This is where lying always come back to bite you. Okay mind, engage, engage, engage.

"I left it at the office, sorry." You smile, thankful that your brain is good at something at least.

"Oh that is okay, let me read it to you then."

You only think you dodged a bullet. She proceeds to read you this mindless drivel about the structure of the human ego and how this acts to distract people from their present experience of the world blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Oh man this lady never needs a break. So she finally ends it all with the impossible question. "Did you get all of that?"

If she is going to ask it then she deserves this answer. "Yes."

"Okay then, keep reading and applying these principles to your life. It really helped me and has helped a lot of people change."

"Okay Cathy I will." On to step 9.

Express love. Cathy says to express love to your family, friends, strangers, your pets...Anywhere you can! She is so happy when she says this you just want to reach through the phone and slap her. Express love to your pets? To strangers? The last stranger that tried to express love to me was locked away for a long time. I wonder how my old first grade teacher is doing these days? So you submit to Cathy's will. You just can't let her down. Before she can hang up you say, "Cathy, I love you." Just to screw with her head a little more.

You can hear her typing furiously for an answer but hang up before she can give it to let it hang in the air until your next call. So you go search for your wife. She has fallen asleep reading and has drooled a little on the pillow. Her make-up has run because she is reading Jane Eyre for the 18th time and just can't get through that last part without crying. She is probably dreaming at this moment about Mr. Rochester taking her away in his horse and buggy. You wake her and tell her you love her. She is groggy and has contacts stuck to her eyes. She smiles and says, "I lub you too." You send her back to Mr. Rochester's carriage figuring her contacts can stay in one night. Then you find the dog. It immediately runs away because you usually aren't that nice. "HEY DOG," you say.(you aren't sure what your wife named the little pest
"I guess I love you." Feeling stupid you decide to call it a night. The next day at work you look around at the people you work with and know that it ain't happening there. So you decide to turn it a little. "Hey John, love your shirt!" "Love those shoes Betty." When people start staring you decide that is enough.

That night you report to Cathy. "Did you do it?" As always she is excited to know the details. "Yeah and it was great. My wife had romantic dreams and my dog and I have never been closer. People have started to look at me differently at work too. It is great!" Cathy is pumped, You just want to get this over with already. "Now you are ready for the final step. Step 10 is a big one but I think you are ready."

Consider a Career change. "Picture in your mind what would be the perfect career and decide if that is what you are doing right now. If not then see what you have to do to change careers so you could do that perfect thing." She says.

This one doesn't sound so bad. This might be the advice you have been waiting for. You already know that you aren't in your perfect job. So you think about what would be perfect. Good money, be your own boss, work from your home, minimal start-up costs and training, minimal skill needed, no travel or face to face meetings. Yeah that would be it you decide. So you do your research and decide to change to the one and only career that meets all of your criteria.

Life Coach.

You need a Postive Mental Attitude Adjustment

2009-02-07T06:16:00.000-06:00

Herbert Samuels said, "The world is like a mirror; frown at it, and it frowns at you. Smile and it smiles, too."

I have found on the other hand that the world is like a catapult; smile all you want to and it will still fling balls of flaming tar in your direction at ever increasing intervals.

We can thank W.Clement Stone for the insidious phrase "Positive Mental Attitude" that has seeped into our language, employee manuals and virtually every Disney Movie Script. You might not know who W. Clement Stone is. I hesitate to tell you. You might google him and fall victim to his PMA cult like so many before you. But this information should be enough to keep you safe from the clutches of this maniac.

W. Clement Stone sold insurance and liked it. There, that should be enough.

So what can PMA do for you? Nothing. It is the thickest book you have ever read with no ending.

This is a week in the life of a PMA recruit, fresh from their 1 day seminar. They are charged, they are committed. The instructor told them that PMA is the answer to all of their problems and they believed her.

Day 1 - Woke up early, did some excercise for the first time in years. Feeling good about my new approach in life. I am already feeling the difference my new attitude will have on my pathetic life. Strained a calf muscle on the treadmill but the rest of me feels good so I shrug it off thinking of only the positve effects of my workout.

Work goes about like it always does. The boss is lazy so he piles his latest assignment on my desk and orders it done along with the regular work load. I think of all the things I can't say because I like to eat and sleep indoors so I smile through gritted teeth and tell him I will handle it. Then I suddenly remember PMA. I call forth the power I felt just yesterday to help me, channelling those feelings of positivity I push through and get that extra work done for Sir-Likes-To-Nap before completing my regualr work only an hour after I should have gone home. I think on the bright side. I could have been here until midnight!!! I love this PMA thing, I am so happy! I get up and limp to my car because the twinge in my calf has turned into a grapefruit. This too makes me happy because now I have a wonderful excuse for not working out tomorrow!! Hey, PMA strikes again!

Day 2 - I wake up a few minutes early and take a bath to try to loosen my sore calf and back which for some reason is now hurting as well from my workout. I am not sure how PMA can help me here but I feel good after my bath so again, chalk one up for PMA. At work Mr. Do-Nothing approaches with a smirk and another pile of work which he deposits on my desk without even saying a word. PMA will have to step into the hall for a few minutes along with concience and any small children in the room. Okay that is over and I feel a little better. Unwittingly Boss man has accidentally slipped salary figures into the work pile for everyone in the office. Perusing the numbers, (giving them back without looking never crossed my mind) I find that I am the lowest paid member of the team even though I have seniority over half the office and do more work than anyone. PMA, concience and small children again head to the hallway for a while before rentering my office. I look at PMA, he looks at me, I look at PMA, he turns and leaves for the day.

Day 3 I get up barely on time, cram some breakfast, grab PMA and decide to try again. At work The -man-with-Two-Chins brings his usual pile of work to add to mine and leaves whistling. PMA heads to the hall and closes the door. Concience stays, says he wants to add a few words of his own to the mix. All day long I struggle doing the work of two people. I hate what I am doing, hate the people I work for, hate the people I work with, hate the food in the company cafeteria, hate my office chair, hate my tie (should have worn the blue one) and there in the corner sits PMA with a big smile telling me to see the bright side in it all. I can be successful in life. The only problem in my life is my attitude. Change that and everything would be better.

I look at concience.

He looks at me.

We both look at PMA.

PMA tries to make a run for it but we get him before he gets to the door. Over the next 30 minutes cries for help can be heard coming from inside my office but the door has been locked so nobody can get in ... or out.

When it is over I feel a lot better. In fact I am smiling. Maybe there really is something to this PMA thing after all!

I never got to days 4-7 in the 1 week program nor did PMA.

Jack Canfield is planning to Rule the World

2009-02-06T06:21:00.000-06:00

I had a friend give me a Chicken Soup for the Soul Book a few years back and tell me that I would be inspired by the wonderful stories and messages contained therein. Having been burned by a few too many motivational books and systems in the past (gee ya think?) I decided to conduct a little research to ensure that I wasn't being handed some kind of Nazi-propaganda book disguised in the form of sweet stories that bring a tear or two. (Hey, it's been known to happen). So I began by looking up the different options for the franchise figuring you know, if this thing is not a money grabbing scheme to take over the world then my research will show it. Here is what I discovered.

Chicken Soup for the Soul

Chicken Soup for the Adopted Soul, Chicken Soup for the African American Soul, Chicken Soup for the African American Woman’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul, Chicken Soup for the Beach Lover’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Bride’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Canadian Soul, Chicken Soup for the Caregiver’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul, Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul 2, Chicken Soup for the Christian Family Soul, Chicken Soup for the Christian Woman's Soul, Chicken Soup for the Country Soul, Chicken Soup for the Couple’s Soul
Chicken Soup for the Dieter’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Entrepreneur’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Gardner’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Girlfriend’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Golden Soul,
Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul, Chicken Soup for the Latino Soul, Chicken Soup for the Latter-day Saint Soul, Chicken Soup for the Military Wife’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Nature Lover's Soul, Chicken Soup for the Nurse’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Nurse’s Soul: Second Dose, Chicken Soup for the Ocean Lover’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Parent’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Prisoner’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul
Chicken Soup for the Romantic Soul, Chicken Soup for the Scrapbooker’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Shopper’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Single’s Soul ,Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul
Chicken Soup for the Sister’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Sister’s Soul 2, Chicken Soup for the Soul at Work, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Celebrating Brothers and Sisters, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Celebrating People Who Make a Difference, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Children with Special Needs, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Empty Nesters, Chicken Soup for the Soul in Menopause, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living Catholic Faith, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living Your Dreams, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Love Stories
Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Resolution, Chicken Soup for the Soul of America, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Stories for a Better World, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Stories of Faith, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Woman to Woman, Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teacher’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Traveler’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul,
Chicken Soup for the Veteran’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Volunteer’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Working Woman’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Writer’s Soul,Chicken Soup for the Soul: Inside Basketball, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living Catholic Faith, Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Resolution, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Empty Nesters, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Teens Talk Getting In… To College, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Teens Talk High School, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Teens Talk Middle School, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Christian Kids, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Christian Teen Talk, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Christmas Cheer, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Dads & Daughters, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grand and Great, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Happily Ever After, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Life Mother, Like Daughter, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Loving Our Cats, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Loving Our Dogs, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Moms & Sons, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Moms Know Best, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Older & Wiser, Chicken Soup for the Soul: On Being a Parent, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Preteens Talk
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Stories of Faith, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Tales of Golf and Sports
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Teens Talk Growing Up, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Teens Talk Relationships, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Teens Talk Tough Times, Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Wisdom of Dads, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Woman to Woman

and then for those who have not had enough soup there is:

A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul

A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul

A 4th Course of Chicken Soup for the Soul

A 5th Portion of Chicken Soup for the Soul

A 6th Bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul

Okay, I'll readily admit to not being the brightest lightbulb in the pack but I was getting a little suspicious. I mean, either Jack Canfield is trying to take over the world or he is an ego driven, money grabbing, chicken soup pimping author run amok and I would hate to think of him that way.

So I decide to do a little more sniffing around.

Feeding your soul isn't enough, there is also this!!!

Chicken Soup for the Soul - Pet Food!!

I am not really sure how this ties in though. Does your cat or dog feel inspired after eating this stuff? Of course that leads to another question. Do we really want our pets to be inspired? What kinds of things might an inspired pet do to a carpet? Or your bed? Or your office chair? Or your leg? Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

There are 4 recipes for cats that look intriguing though: Kitten, Adult, Light and Hairball. That last one sounds like a load of fun to eat! Okay the pet food thing is really setting off alarm bells everywhere now so I continue my investigation. Remember, this may be for the good of mankind.

That is when I find this.

Mugs, Puzzles, Puzzle Books, Calendars, Greeting Cards, Daily Inspirations, Clothing, Word Puzzles and more planned for the future. See, this is what is says on the site. More planned for the future. He kind of slipped that in there to alert his loyal followers that the day is coming. He even puts it right in the product area. Not very subtle if you ask me. So what is he planning? After careful research and putting the pieces together one bowl of soup at a time I have it.

Jack Canfield is planning to take over the world.

His stories and anticdotes of inspiration are just a front. In fact, they probably make him sick. He really wants power and sees chicken soup as his way to get that power. Well who wouldn't? I have found that beef stew gives me power, but that is a different kind and only helps me take over the living room.

Does anyone really believe these stories are true anyways? They are basically the same three stories with different names and themes depending on the title of the book.

Theme One - Someone does something horrible to somebody else but finally has the courage to say they're sorry. Everybody melts and tears are shed. Throw in a long lost twin, mentally challenged brother or a son that has been struggling through his teenage years depending on the book's title.

Theme Two - Someone does some kind of act of service to another out of the blue without expecting anything back. Tears are shed all around because the person served had given up hope and they were out of money/didn't have rent/were starving/kids are starving/ dog was starving/ (aha now I see the pet food tie in!!!)/needed a kidney/needed AB+ blood/is $3000 short on their facelift. Okay I threw that last one in but it would be a tear jerker.

Theme Three - Someone has given up on what they were doing or is not putting their best effort forward. Someone older or younger inspires them to try harder. Tears.

Man, why am I wasting my time on this blog? I could be writing this stuff and preparing to take over the world? Oops, I mean inspiring millions.

So you might say, how bad would it be if Jack Canfield did rule the world?

It might actually be a peaceful place where people do spontaneous acts of kindness while inspiring others to forgive somebody who has done you wrong. The world would shed lots of tears and drink lots of soup, all chicken. Sounds like a great and for humankind it would be but step back for a moment, and in the true Chicken Soup spirit look outside yourself for a moment. Ask yourself a question that nobody including Emperor Jack himself hasn't asked.

What about the chickens?

Has anybody considered the impact of all of this chicken soup on the chicken population? Has anyone thought about their souls? No, they walk around the farm happy as can be until word comes down, under water basket weavers need comforting. Jack has written a new book, there's soup to be made.

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

The horror of it all. If nobody else will stand up for these poor abused animals I will. I know they aren't the smartest in the barnyard, (heck they can live without their brain for hours), I know their poop has a particularly nasty odor, (thanks grandpa for saving the henhouse cleanings for my summer trip to the farm every year), I know they are scrawny necked little smelly things that will peck you the first chance they get but hey, that is besides the point. They need a voice. I don't mean the one that wakes you up way before you would have, crowing over and over until you eventually turn the darn thing into supper. I mean a real voice that will speak to the masses and tell them of the wholesale butchery of a beloved animal of Americana. Haven't chickens been through enough. First the McNugget, now this. And all of this perpetuated by a tyrant who seeks to subjugate us into serving each other and being nice. I don't want to be nice! I don't want any more chicken soup! I want some beef!

We interrupt this Broadcast

2009-02-05T22:00:00.000-06:00

I wanted to stop the fun for a brief moment to point out a few areas of interest on my new blog here.

First, notice the link below and to the right that allows you to follow this blog. This tells me who is a regular fan and supporter of the site. So far I have had a great deal of traffic so please sign up as a follower.

Second, please bookmark this site and check in at least once daily. I promise to have at least one new post up per day and maybe more.

Third, there is a place for comments at the end of each post I put up. Please let me know what you think, what you like, what you don't. Add to the humor if you would like. I don't require you to register to post so it is easy.

Fourth, please tell your friends, browbeat them, pressure them, spam them, threaten to tell everyone about that guy they dated their freshman year (this goes for the fellas too). Send this link out http://selfneglect.blogspot.com/ to one and all to let them know about this place so it can grow.

Finally, the youtube link on the right and the link at the bottom pay the bills around here. The more you click those links the more bills get paid. Please click on those links early and often.

Look for this post to be resurrected often. Bye for now. Thanks.

Yoga: Stress-relief, Exercise, Torture

2009-02-05T06:20:00.000-06:00

Not long ago I began feeling my age a little more than I wanted so I started sifting through my wife's video tapes for a fitness program.

Jane Fonda Workout - Hmmm no, didn't she move to Vietnam or something?

Zumba - No that looks way too much like dancing.

Hip Hop Abs with Shaun T - I don't think I am down with that.

Richard Simmons - Um, I don't think so, if anyone ever caught me trying that I'd have to turn in my man card.

Yoga - Well I don't really know anything about yoga. I always liked the bear. Let me look at the label here and see what this says.

Yoga combines many popular stress-reducing techniques, including exercise and learning to control the breath, clear the mind, and relax the body.

That doesn't sound too bad. Who couldn't use a stress reducing workout that clears the mind and relaxes the body?

Okay so which tape to choose, Beginner, chuck that one, I am a man. Intermediate - I am getting a little older, perhaps I should start slow, Expert, do not start here, I repeat do not start here, (it actually says that on the tape). So listening to my ego I put in the expert tape, clear the recliner out so I can have plenty of space and begin my relaxing workout.

We start out slow, stretching, nice music, pleasant instructor, hey, this yoga thing is all right. I can feel the mind and body relaxing already. Breathe it tells me. I breathe, I am good at that, been practicing for years. Then she tells me about my core. I didn't know I had a core, knew apples had em, but I am relaxed, stretched and calm so I will take her word for it. Yes, I have a core and we are going to concentrate on that core today. Okay that doesn't sound too bad. Concentrate on the core. I'm with ya, yoga lady.

Okay, get on all fours. Well this is a little weird but I am stretched, relaxed and hey, the yoga lady told me too, so down on all fours I go. Now she does this thing with her back and butt that looks very unnatural and then tells me to do it too. This is where I start to wonder a little. I mean; what if somebody walks in while I am doing this? I take a quick peak at all entrances to the room and quickly do this little butt and back lift thingy before immediately checking again to make sure nobody was watching. Coast clear, snuck it in. Not relaxing, but hey, not hard either.

Now she wants me to stick my butt straight in the air. Downward duck dog she calls it. Nothing downward about this if you ask me. Looking at all doorways again I stick my backside in the air and wait for 5 breaths. I can breath real fast so I lower my butt real quick and now we are doing push-ups.

This should be a snap except we aren't doing push-ups, just hold it there for five breaths. This is where my body starts to remind me that I haven't worked out in 10 years. For some reason my left arm starts shaking. My first thought was, earthquake. I start looking around for the doorway with the best support structure when my other arm starts shaking too. Then the yoga lady starts barking at me to breathe, I was about to tell her off when I realized I needed to stop holding my breathe to do so.

Feeling a little foolish and very weak I figure we are just about to the 10 minute break portion of the tape by now but instead the yoga lady tells me to roll to my right side and put all my weight on one arm for 5 breaths. Okay I haven't worked out in 10 years but I am not a wimp. I can do this yoga stuff, so I roll right over there and hold that breath, 1---2---------3 by three every muscle in my arm is crying out in pain, begging for it all to end, promising me weeks of payback if I don't let it end. Telling me that 4-5 is not an option I should even consider. I collapse in a heap on the floor. I am thinking yoga lady will know that I need a break but she just keeps going. Do the other side she barks out. Where did that nice music go? My left side lasts 1-2 before
I end up face first in the mat because my right arm can't be bothered to catch me. It's resting. So now the yoga tyrant tells me to stand. I look out of the corner of my eye at both arms wondering if either could assist me in procuring that particular stance. Neither wanted any part of it. Finally I promised both that I wouldn't allow any more yoga to happen to them again if they just helped me up. They agreed begrudgingly and with the combined help of both and a little nudge from my head and neck to start the process I am standing. Yoga beast didn't wait for me.

She says to lunge forward and brings the arms up high to the ceiling. The arms tell me that ain't happening, we made a deal, so I concentrate on the lunging. My legs have been laughing at the wimpy arms all along so they kind of want to show their stuff here. Lunge, hold for 5, got it. Lunge with the other leg, hold for 5. Feels good, see arms, no big deal. Wimps.

Now the awkward chair pose. Huh? An awkward chair, like it doesn't date much? Has to hang out with the barstools? Okay not funny, probably due to lack of oxygen. Awkward chair, got it. Bring arms up, nope, bend knees like you are going to sit down and hold. Okay this doesn't feel good, back is starting to complain now, along with the legs. Arms are enjoying it a little. Legs tell arms to shut up, why don't you lift like yoga oppressor lady says? Arms go quiet again. She finally stops the pain but then she says we are going to do it again and that wasn't enough, you can still feel your legs so let's do it once more. By the time the awkward chair is over I am sitting in the chair. The legs have had enough.

Now the horrible woman tells me not to give up. This is the last one. I have come so far. Get off my chair and do this last one. Having already enjoyed watching the display so far ego steps in and says sure, we'll do it, before legs and arms can protest.

This last position is the boat pose. Doesn't sound too bad. Something like sticking your leg up on the couch for pictures, right? Get down on the ground says the demon woman from the abyss. I look down. That is a long way down there. Ego steps in again and says do it. Man it sucks being a man sometimes. So I get down on the ground and now we are going to bring the legs straight up to a 45 degree angle, the torso will naturally fall back, but do not let the spine collapse, make a "V" shape with the body. I see Satan's bride make this perfect V with her back and legs and know that it will never happen. I tell that to ego. He doesn't care. Try it, DO IT. Okay I will, stop pestering me! I lift the legs about 30 degrees off the ground and my back about the same. I hold my breath, (which is the only way to accomplish either) and endure the most torturous five seconds of my existence. This is of course is the time when 5 children come walking through the doorway. "Dad, what are you doing? Wow, I don't think you're doing it right. That doesn't look anything like her. Dad, pull down your shirt we can see your... ewww gross. Why is your face all red Dad?"

"GET OUT OF HERE!"

5 kids scurry from the room as I lay panting on the floor, the victim of mental and physical torture. I don't feel relaxed, I don't feel stress free. I will need weeks to recover. I am going to get that lady's name and hand it over to authorities. So when you think about physical self improvement, do what I have done. Take up golf.

Self-Improvement Leads to Phenobarbital, Vodka and Apple Sauce Cocktails

2009-02-03T23:45:00.000-06:00

I'm sure it was innocent enough. Someone suggested that they all get together to discuss the universe, harmony, peace, self-control and they enjoyed each others company so much that they all moved in together like they were on a self-awareness boot camp to the stars. Somewhere along the way the peace and harmony turned into a phenobarbital, vodka and apple sauce cocktail (I am sure they were yummy.) The group even bought little matching uni's so they could leave their bodies in style just in time to catch a ride on the geek transport from Alpha 9. I mean come on, if space aliens were coming to to take 40 humans with them from our planet; would they really pick a bunch of nerds? No way! I'm thinking their list would start with Larry the Cable Guy and then move on from there.

I do have to wonder how one can arrive at the decision to let a guy that looks like this,

to give me a killer cocktail and tell me aliens are coming to pick me up if I'll take a sip. I mean look at the guy. I don't take a stick of gum from this guy let alone advice on finding my inner peace. He's liable to tell me that the Hale-Bopp comet has a space ship behind it piloted by his dead friend and we need to all kill ourselves so we can go take a ride ... oh wait.

This all comes back to the need for self improvement and finding that inner peace. The believers out there search through the 'systems' of personal power and self control, they study techniques from monks in Tibet, (like guys who dress in sheets and live in mountains have it all figured out somehow, you know what I call guys like that? Weirdos.) They try yoga and meditation all in a belief they will find a collective peace and harmony for themselves and others in the human race. Sounds nice, doesn't it? It's a load of garbage. The problem is they discover that little secret too and suddenly they are dressed up in t-shirt geek uni's (with cool new sneakers) and drinking killer cocktails to go find their harmony somewhere else in the galaxy.

So really it makes perfect sense, self improvement leads to phenobarbital, vodka and apple sauce cocktails.

People who buy Self Help Books Don't Like Work

2009-02-02T20:49:00.000-06:00

I have found that the one common trait of nearly every person who buys a self empowerment "system" is quite simply that they are lazy. These people will shell out enormous chunks of coin, risk blood clots from sitting in 8 hour marathon seminars, (whose sole purpose is to sell the books and CD's on the back tables), will read those books and listen to those CD's, will keep empowerment journals and some will even walk across hot coals just to avoid doing the one thing that will really make them successful, work.

Everybody knows someone like this. Let me help you spot them. First look on their book shelf. If they have more than one complete 'system' on the shelf then you can start to suspect. (If their feet are scarred from a bad fire-walking experience that counts as well). Second, listen for key words and phrases. Do they use words like 'personal power', positive mental attitude (PMA also counts and is a sign of a much worse problem), synergy, purpose-driven, Win/Win, First-Things-First or Personal Mission Statement? If you hear any one of or a combination of these words begin to enter their regular vocabulary you can suspect that they are turning into one of those kinds of people. Third, are they a miserable failure at everything that they do? Is this mostly due to their unwillingness to actually... you know... work? Do they tend to surround themselves with others like them who are also trying to avoid that four letter word as well? If you answered yes to these questions you have yourself a bona fide Self-Help Junkie. Everyone except the junkie knows that the only people who get rich off of get rich quick books are the people who write them. That doesn't stop the junkie. He keeps buying them up looking for the one. What is the one? The perfect system, the "one", the coup de gras of all self-help, self empowerment systems has yet to be written. Millions wait for it anxiously. They email each other and call and have lunch every week and go to seminars to see if their wait is finally over but alas the time is not yet. Some of you who are not in this class are in the dark here, wondering what this perfect system is that the self-help junkies are waiting for. I can describe it to you in a few short words. The perfect self help system is the one that teaches people how to succeed without actually doing any real work. If you can write it you will make millions. In fact, I will buy a copy myself and help you with all of your marketing. I have this great group of guys who I meet with every week for lunch who I am sure would help as well.

The 7 Habits of Highly Average People Who Will Never Be Successful

2009-02-02T08:39:00.000-06:00

I believe it is time to debunk the idea that we can study what successful people do and somehow become successful ourselves. Here is the dirty little secret that they don't want you to know. Those self-help gurus hated what they were doing! Whatever it was they were doing that gave them all of that money, power and fame was so horrible that once they were successful enough to do so, they immediately closed up shop, wrote a book, (accompanied by audio self-help sessions) and began making real money telling everyone else how they did it. Why don't those real estate gurus on TV just shut up and go apply their own systems if they work so well? The reason is because they really hated what they were doing just as much as us normal folks do. They were just smarter, better looking, lucky or the bosses son/daughter/niece/nephew/cousin/dog's groomer's neighbor twice removed. So studying what these people do and then trying to follow it will get me nowhere. I don't even know a dog groomer! So to be helpful I have listed below the 7 Habits of Highly Average People Who Will Probably Never be Successful:

*********************

Habit 1 - Reading Self Help Propaganda

If you have done this and still believe it will really help you then you are doomed. Your level of trouble is in direct proportion to your faith that one of these systems will save you. It won't happen. Not even the lottery will save your miserable existence. You will just blow the money on crap in the first 18 months and end up on a late night SpikeTV show about former lottery winners who fell for a ponzi scheme and are now sharing a trailer with Uncle Louie. (Safety tip, don't let Uncle Louie babysit)

Habit 2 - Trying to get Ahead at Work

The people who work today can be broken down into three categories. Those who understand, those who don't and relatives. Those who don't understand are many of the same individuals who have practice hard on habit one. They are believers. They think if they work those extra hours on the weekend on salary someone will take notice and eventually it will all come back to them in the form of a promotion/raise. This is what they don't understand. Relatives are those who get the promotions and raises for coming in late, leaving early, knowing little to nothing about the business or market and asking those who don't understand to come in on weekends to work extra hours on salary so they can go home early. Those who do understand know how all of this works and tell the relatives in a polite and kind manner where they can stick their extra, unpaid weekend hours.

Habit 3 - Trying to Improve Your Marriage

The believers today are under the impression that they can fix everything. Even things that aren't broken. First you need to take it apart and put it back together enough times that eventually it does need fixing even though it worked just fine in the first place. If you don't know where I am going with this take a look again at the title of this habit.

"Let's talk about our marriage" are probably the 5 most hated words of all time (by men). Followed closely by "Would you please cough sir?" Self help systems will tell you that your lack of success in life is probably due to your rotten home life which any woman will translate to, rotten husband. It is said that after marriage a woman prays that her man will change while her man just prays that she won't. If enough books, tapes and CD's tell you something is wrong and you are a believer then guess what? You guessed it. The fact that he didn't say goodnight before falling asleep to SportsCenter will mean that he doesn't love you any more. He still loves you, nothing is wrong with your marriage, put away your book and give him a reason to turn off SportCenter. Brownies and milk!! (I am a sucker for late night snacks.)

Habit 4 - Believing that Win/Win and Positive thinking will work

If I just stay positive this boil on my inner thigh will go away!! Rub, rub... ouch this hurts, but I am positive!! Rub rub... staying..positive.. rub, rub, rub...ouch..positive...rub, rub..can't walk, too...much...pain....arghhhhhhhh. Okay maybe a little dramatic but thinking positive does nothing for the problem. Go see a doctor!! Lance the darn thing! The self-help craze is all about staying positive! Like walking around with a stupid smile on my face is going to make it all better.

"You know what your honor? I don' t have enough money for bail. But I am staying really positive about this whole situation. That's got to count for something doesn't it?"

"Bailiff!"

The power of positive thinking can help tremendously at times but I have found that those times are generally found standing over a urinal. (Is it a law that the fuller the bladder the longer it takes to start peeing?)

Habit 5 - Setting Goals

Suckers!!! Every year in corporate America it happens. Hours are spent, thousands of dollars wasted in color ink that is used printing flow charts and pie graphs and spreadsheets. Conference calls to Mumbai and Malaysia and Okinawa stretch for hours with notes scribbled furiously. Teams meet and then break out into smaller groups who form subcommittees who study (on unpaid weekends) the numbers. All to bow down to the god of forecasting. Forecasting is just a lie that publically traded companies tell their shareholders every quarter to keep them from selling all of their stock and buying up another company's stock who lies better. Forecasts are just another name for big fancy goals and I hate goals.

"Hey John, how many superconducter coupling monitors can you sell this quarter?"

John to himself --- "I have no quotes, no current clients looking for at least the next 6 months, I will be lucky to sell 1"

John to the subcomittee --- "3"

"Wow, John that is quite a quarter you plan on having! See group, that is what makes John great, setting aggressive goals!"

As a safety measure they only review forecasts if they are met. If not then they sweep them under the rug until a time of the year known as "performance reviews."

Habit 6 - Believing in Synergy

If you have ever used the word synergy and really meant it, get out! You don't belong here!! Synergy, synergistic, synergism or any other of its derivatives have no place in the English language. The idea is to work in a group dynamic because the sum will be greater than the whole. Does anyone really know what that means? I don't want to work in groups because most people aren't as smart as I am. They are going to bring me down. Come on admit it, you are thinking the same thing about most of your team too. Yes you are ... Quit arguing! Teams are good for one thing only, meetings. Meetings are good for one thing only, a break from real work. Nothing productive has ever been done in a team meeting in the history of team meetings. Don't ask for my source on that it is just true. Why do you keep arguing with me? If you are actually having productive team meetings it is because you do no actual productive work. Your synergy is ... hmm ... I can't even use it in a sentence. Just stop using that stupid word!

Habit 7 - Believing That Things Will Get Better

This is perhaps the single most ineffective habit of self-neglected people, believing that things will get better. If you are a believer and for some reason have not clicked away to detoxify yourself with a few cups of chicken soup for the soul then this one should send you scurrying. The light at the end of the tunnel is in fact a train. See, they build tunnels for trains, not for people so get off the tracks! Let me share a few of life's realities with you. Your car will only break down for good after you have put a full tank of gas in it. The amount of ice on your windshield will always be in direct proportion to how late you are. Your children only get sick on the one day of the year that the grandparents are out of town and you have to make the presentation that only you can make to the Vice-President (a relative who doesn't want to be there in the first place) who flew in just for the day. You will only discover your driver's license is expired when the officer points it out to you while writing the extra ticket to go along with speeding and forgetting your insurance card on the bannister at home. You will never lose those extra pounds, in fact this is as good as you will ever look again. Someday will look back at pictures of yourself as you are right now and wish you could look like this again. You will never have enough money, never. You will never agree with what the politicians are doing. (You do? Zealot!) The world will always be getting worse, in fact you will someday refer to our day as a time when that kind of thing never happened. You will always keep looking forward to something that will make you happy and when it gets here, it won't. It will be on to the next thing that when it gets here will make you happy. This will happen until eventually the next thing is death. I don't know if that will make you happy or not.

So in the end you just have to accept that things are not going to get better. This is as good as it will ever get and it will probably never be this good again.

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In conclusion, please understand that it does not take all of these habits to make you the typical Average Person Who Will Never Be Successful. Even one of these habits can be enough. My job though is not to motivate you to change anything. In fact I don't want you to. If you start changing or improving things you might stop reading my blog and get out and enjoy life and we don't want that. Can you imagine all of the happy people walking around synergizing or whatevering with each other? It would be enough to make the rest of us sick. So if you want help to better your life don't count on a personal power system to do it for you, the guys who wrote that garbage have successfully quit their jobs to make money selling you their crap so they don't have to go back and do real work that makes them miserable like the rest of us. I say, let them starve!

You Can't Do It!

2009-02-01T23:35:00.000-06:00

Ok I admit it. I bought in. Every time somebody lent me (too cheap to buy) one of those self help books, cassettes (yes I am old), Cd's or DVD's, I watched or listened several times over. I took notes, I followed all of the exercises, okay most of the exercises, okay I didn't do the exercises. But I bought in! I believed! I knew that this book, cassette, CD or DVD was the one that was going to turn it all around for me. The dark cloud that up until now had ruined my life was a thing of the past to be blown away by my PERSONAL POWER. What I found though was that in the end the only personal power I have ever felt was the type alleviated by a good stick of deodorant. The fact that these self-help books don't work didn't stop me from trying the next and the next and the next. I kept thinking that I just wasn't ready yet. But this time I was ready to make my move and this was just the book, cassette, CD or DVD to help me do it. The problem was, I always ended up right back where I started or sometimes even worse. Because now I had my miserable life to behold and my horrible failure at the 'system' everybody was using to get better. Apparently, everybody didn't include me.

I am here to tell you that you can't do it! You and your personal power can take your secret, apply your 7 habits, remembering of course to put First Things First and what do you end up with? Shelves full of books that empowered the author with more cash, helping them to put First Thing First which is the real Secret. So the purpose of my blog is the opposite of those self help books in fact it is the Self Neglect System. You have no power, there is no secret, First Things First really just means going to the toilet when you start the day. If you improve your life after reading here I have only one thing to say about you. You are one sick individual.